Pirates of the Caribbean:Curse of the Mary Sue
by GreyWolfEyes
Summary: A beautiful, mysterious woman comes to Port Royal and captures the heart of the dashing Jack Sparrow. You know the routine. Or do you? Two moronic teenagers, the Fellowship, and a thieving goat all join the fray in this merry killthesue fic.
1. And So It Begins

**A/N #1:** Yeah! This is my first fanfic ever! Well, I guess it's not MINE. My cousin helped me…a little. Well, enjoy. R&R! Flames accepted, I think it's fun when people insult me! (Please don't really, this is my first story. Your mean words could damage my writer's spirit forever!) –Stephie, co-author

**A/N #2:** I'm Cicada and I'm writing this story with my cousin. The poor dear needed my help so who was I to refuse?

Minion: She did not ask you to help! You butted in like you usually do!

Cicada: SILENCE FOOL! As I was saying, I am helping my poor inexperienced cousin with her work

(Stephie weeps at the horrible insults being dealt to her) Yeah. . . So here it is. Also, if you like Yu Yu Hakusho please read my fanfic "A Family Secret" (plug plug). TO THE FIC NOW!

Minion: You are a strange person. . .

Cicada: SILENCE!

**Disclaimer:** Boo hoo hoo, we don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, Lord of the Rings, Mario Kart (Oh wait, my cousin DOES own that!), or any other random registered and trademarked stuff. We do own Zerlina, all the penguins, and ourselves. And Stephie is not a hobbit. (Stephie yelling at top of lungs "YES I AM! I HAVE THE FEET I TELL YOU!"). Yes. Enjoy!

**Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Mary Sue**

**Chapter One : And So It Begins. . .**

Jack Sparrow, no, _Captain _Jack Sparrow stood on the dock and let himself stare unabashedly at the most gorgeous woman he ever set his eyes on. The woman had flaxen, flowing hair that reached down to her ankles, and shimmered like gold. Her eyes were a deep cerulean blue that reminded Jack of his love of the sea. She had ruby red lips that were just asking to be kissed. She wore a rippling white gown that was so bright it seemed to give off a light of its own, perfectly complementing her sensuous figure. She noticed Jack staring at her utter beauty and she smiled presumptuously at the gawking pirate. Jack collected himself and grinned roguishly at the living art before him. The woman floated down the gangplank, her steps as dainty and graceful as a young gazelle (glorious!). She waltzed over to where Jack stood, his mouth agape.

"Hello, gentle sir, my name is Zerlina Swann. I am Elizabeth Swann's cousin from England and I am come to visit her. Have you made Elizabeth's acquaintance before, kind sir?"

Jack, dumbstruck, gasped in shock. _She looks just like Elizabeth, but even more radiant!_ He finally found his tongue and replied, "I have known Elizabeth, but you are far fairer than she, lady!" Jack exclaimed.

Zerlina blushed modestly. "You are too kind, sir."

"Please lady, call me Jack," he said, "Jack Sparrow."

_I would bequeath her my name as Captain Jack Sparrow, but I fear she would think me a vain man._

"It has been a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Sparrow, but I must take my leave of you now. I hope to see more of you sir, during my stay here."

Zerlina started to walk away from the pathetic, awe-stricken pirate. Jack panicked; afraid this beautiful specimen would leave him now.

"Wait!" he cried out, taking a hold of her delicate, pure white hand. She turned back to him with a strange look on her face. A small flicker of hatred surged through her eyes, but was quickly replaced with a look of pity and care. Jack let go of her hand, feeling sheepish due to his audacious outburst.

"Worry not, fair sailor, I shall see you in the morrow," Zerlina soothed him, smiling kindly at him. She turned again, and walked over to the waiting carriage and daintily hopped inside. Jack stared longingly after her. He was brought out of his trance by the familiar squawking of Cotton's parrot. Gibb's leaned over the railing of the _Black Pearl, _and yelled out to his captain, "Are we to set sail today, Captain?" he questioned.

Jack turned to his crew member. "Nay," he called, "we shall tarry a while longer on Port Royal." Gibbs thought that surely the captain must be jesting. But when he looked back, he saw that Jack had turned, and was staring out into the fading afternoon sun, seeming to have perfectly forgotten that they were going to set sail early that evening, before Commodore Norrington returned to Port Royal from exterminating rum-runners. Gibbs, though baffled, swiveled to look at the crew, and commanded them to tie the ship to the dock instead of opening the sails and hoisting anchor. They all stared at him disbelievingly. Then, when they realized he was serious, the crew quickly followed his orders, but not without confused glances at each other as they worked. Gibbs twisted around to look back at Jack. "Somethin' must be ailing the Cap'n," he muttered under his breath. Gibbs's guess was not too far off, for Captain Jack Sparrow had been caught in the Mary Sue's diabolical spell!


	2. The Pesky Houseguest

**A/N #1: **Hey look at this! Another chappie! I apologize for not getting a new chapter up sooner, but my dirty cousin was always too busy, and then suspended me for accidentally breaking a few rules.(oi, I'm bad!) Yes. So, to all you who were waiting for more, here it is! (grins and waves hands excitedly to and amazingly low amount of readers) Yes. Please R&R!

**A/N B: **It's Cicada again. Phe4r my l33t skilz. That's enough of that. For all of you who were annoyed by my Minion's dialogue good news! He's on vacation in the Abyss. So I am here to talk to you instead (people boo and throw small woodland creatures) NOOOOOO! MERCY! (flees in terror) TO THE FIC!

**Chapter 2: The Pesky Houseguest**

With a burst of radiant white light, Zerlina Swann delicately stepped from the carriage and stared up at the mansion before her. She gasped.

"How quaint!"

She swiftly made her way up the walkway, and knocked on the large oak doors. A grandly-dressed butler answered her incessant knocking.

"Yes, Miss? How may I help you?"

"I am Zerlina Swann. I am here to see mine own cousin, Elizabeth. Does her presence grace this comely mansion?" The man raised an eyebrow at her.

"She's here if that's what you mean. Shall I fetch her for you?"

"Pray do."

The butler turned from Zerlina a hollered up the steps, "Hey Elizabeth! You have a visitor!"

"I'm coming!" Elizabeth screamed back at the servant. She disentangled herself from Will's loving embrace, and rushed out of the room that they now shared, since they are now MARRIED.

"Hold on. I gotta go see who's at the door," Elizabeth said.

"I'll come with you." Elizabeth turned and smiled at her husband, and they walked down the steps hand in hand. (aawwww) Zerlina looked up as her cousin approached.

"How beeth you on this fine day, fair coz?"

Elizabeth looked down on the glowing beauty that was Zerlina.

"Ummm, should I know you?" Elizabeth asked, confused.

"Why, I am your homely cousin, Zerlina Swann!" Zerlina exclaimed humbly. By now, Elizabeth was at the foot of the stairs, trying to recall whether she had seen this woman before or not. She ambulated over to Zerlina, and scanned her face, waiting for some spark of memory to come.

"Zerlina? I have no cousin with this name. I do have a cousin named Jane, however," Elizabeth suggested warily.

"O yes! Jane IS my first name, but I go by my middle name, Zerlina. I oft forget that this confuses some," she explained hastily, almost guiltily. Elizabeth pondered this for a moment and then seemed to come to a conclusion.

"Cousin!" She leaped into her Zerlina's outstretched arms. "It's wonderful to see you again! You are to stay for at least a month, aren't you?"

"Only if you bid me thus, cousin," Zerlina stated, not wanting to impose.

"But of course! We have soo much to catch up on! You must tell me what you have been doing these past thirteen years! Bernard, please bring Zerlina's luggage up to the guest room." She turned to Will. "Will, could you please have the cook fetch Zerlina and I some tea?" She took Zerlina by the arm and led her to the sitting room. "Let's go, Zerlina!"

Bernard and Will exchanged puzzled glances. Elizabeth babbled on senselessly to Zerlina, and then, seeing that her wishes were not accommodated for, she pivoted on a foot and bellowed, "NOW!" Will and Bernard jumped in alarm, and then quickly hastened to do Elizabeth's bidding.

* * *

Elizabeth and Zerlina perched daintily on sofas in the Swann mansion sitting room. Well, Zerlina perched daintily. Elizabeth sat back and deep in the seat, enjoying comfort over being proper. 

"Zerlina, you must tell me everything! How is your family? How is-"

"Oh, they are all in good health, cousin. Did I tell you Steven has endeavored to attend college? He has! And then Jonathan has taken an interest in painting," Zerlina interrupted.

"Really? Is he-"

"Oh yes, and did I tell you of the new dress shop in Blackburn? It is so fabulous, Elizabeth! It has all these wonderful dresses made out of the softest velvet you've ever touched, and their coloration! These dresses are splendid Elizabeth! I wish I could've bought one, but I had just spent my money helping this poor little boy who needed some money for some bread. He was a darling little boy. He had light blonde hair and these bright blue eyes. He was so charming, I wish he had been my child; but I was happy to serve him in what small ways I could. Did I tell you of the new town center they built in Blackburn? It is so glorious. The governor there wanted to build it to help bolster the town's confidence. We'd been having some problems with horse-thieves. I shall tell you all about it…" Suddenly Elizabeth wished she could take back her comment about Zerlina telling her EVERTHING…

* * *

Several hours and much driveling later…

* * *

Elizabeth stumbled into her and Will's room, exhausted. "You have no idea how much she can talk!" she exclaimed. Will, who was pouring over some maps of Port Royal, turned to look and her. 

"It can't be all THAT bad," he commented, smiling at his wife's weary face.

"Oh yes, it can! She talked about her trip over here for and hour and a half! I didn't even ask about it! She just started to blubber about her boring life, without even questioning if I wanted to hear it. And I didn't!" She ranted, sprawling out on an armchair.

"Too bad she's here for a whole month, huh?" he smirked mischievously. Elizabeth's eyes grew wide.

"Nooo!" she began to bawl. "I can't stand her blather for an entire month!"

"You could just ask her to leave," he suggested.

"I can't be rude! And I was the one who invited her to stay for that long." She sighed dejectedly. (glorious!) "What should I do, Will?"

"I don't know."

"You're no help," she accused. She slowly changed into her nightdress and slipped under the covers of their bed. She lay there for a few seconds before asking, "Will? Are you going to sleep tonight?" He looked up from his maps.

"Yeah. Just as soon as I finish-" Elizabeth didn't hear anymore. Worn out by the boring monologue of Zerlina's, she closed her eyes and fell asleep.

* * *

Coz is used in Shakespeare often. It means cousin, fool. 

Great cliffie, huh? No, not really. But there will be some, we promise! Oh yes, there IS a reason why Will and Elizabeth are staying at the Swann mansion. All shall be explained… sooner or later. Please R&R!


	3. The Date of DOOM

**A/N #1**: Hello there! Look at zis! So many chapters up…that could be cause I HAD A STUPID TWO WEEKS SUSPENSION! (pants) (sigh) Oh well. Oh, yes, I just want to apologize in advance for what we are doing to Jack. It hurt to write! But, the story had to go on…Please R&R!

**A/N de Cicada**: It is here! Finally! Rejoice degenerates.

Minion: (arrives from abyssal vacation, literally) WHAT'S GOING ON! ARE YOU INSULTING THE READERS AGAIN CICADA WHAT DID I TELL YOU—

Cicada: (not listening) In a story like this you can tell if it is going good if it pains you to read. So read gentle reader… person… and yah. Just read. (sticks sack over still ranting minion and begins to carry him off) Come on Stephie. Let's leave the readers. I don't want to be here for this chapter.

**Disclaimer**: We don't own…searches through papers …anything! We don't own POTC, or Jack, or Will, or anybody else! We DO own Zerlina, but we don't particularly like to admit it…

**Chapter 3:The Date of DOOM**(glorious!)

It was morning at the Swann manor. Governor Swann, Elizabeth, Will, and of course, Zerlina were sitting down to a nice, cozy breakfast. Zerlina was chatting, as Elizabeth had found --to her great dismay-- was Zerlina's usual, Will was attempting to block her out, and Elizabeth was banging her head violently against the table. The Governor was listening raptly to Zerlina's chatter.

"Did you hear me fair cousin of mine?" Zerlina addressed her self-afflicting relative. Elizabeth stopped the methodical thunking of her head upon the study, maple table and jerked her head up.

"Yes, yes, of course I did!" she exclaimed, her eyes wide with fear; fear of her cousin repeating herself (or continuing to talk, whisper, gurgle, or make any other vocal sound). Zerlina looked unconvinced, and so, despite her cousin's anguished look, she repeated herself.

"Are you sure you heard me? I'll gladly repeat myself. I was telling you about this man I met when I first arrived here…"

"Make it stop, Will, make it stop!" Elizabeth sobbed into Will's shoulder. Will squeezed her shoulder understandingly.

"She has to breathe sometime, don't worry," he assured her. Elizabeth's only reaction was a muffled sob.

"…he was so kind and tender! So roguishly gentlemanly! I told him I would see him today. Do you think it presumptuous of me if I go to the pier and inquire about him, Elizabeth?" Elizabeth brightened at the thought of Zerlina leaving, even if it was only for a little while.

"Yes, yes, that is a fine idea, cousin! Why don't you go right now!" Elizabeth leaped out of her chair, and began pushing Zerlina to the door, chair and all.

"Are you sure you want me to go? I could stay and help you-"

"No, that's fine. Just leave!" Elizabeth opened the front door, fully intending to chuck Zerlina outside, only to notice someone was out there, arm poised, just about to knock.

"Jack, what the crap are you doing here?" Elizabeth blurted out. "You were supposed to leave Port Royal last night!"

"I could not leave, for my heart would remain in the hands of my fair Zerlina," Jack revealed.

"Jack, you are too bold!" Zerlina blushed modestly. Jack's head snapped to behold the glorious Zerlina.

"Zerlina! I had hoped that I would have the pleasure of showing you this fair city, though its beauty pales in comparison to you." Jack reached forward and took Zerlina's hand and kissed it, then gestured to a waiting carriage.

"I fear I cannot go with thee, fair sir, for I must help yon coz with-"

"No, no, I shall do fine ALL BY MYSELF! You just go!" Elizabeth shoved Zerlina out the door and into Jack. "Have a good time!" and she slammed the door and bolted it. "YAHAHA! I AM RID OF HER!" Elizabeth broke down into tears of happiness.

"The boy's fate is regrettable but then so is his decision to engage in piracy," blurted the Governor. Will and Elizabeth merely looked at him with confusion written on their faces.

"Elizabeth, what's he talking about?" inquired Will.

"I don't know," she replied lamely. They shrugged and then returned to their breakfast, the absence of Zerlina's blathering gloriously evident.

* * *

Jack and Zerlina were booted out of the carriage by another occupant, who was obviously annoyed with their continuing romantic balderdash. Neither Zerlina nor Jack noticed their ride's untimely end.

"Oh, darling, we are right outside the Port Royal dress shop! Come and pick thyself a fitting dress, and I shall be pleased to buy it for you, my dear," Jack suggested.

"I could not think to spend thine money in such a frivolous manner!" Zerlina cried.

"I would be insulted if you didn't!" Jack insisted. So, they made their way into the quaint little shop. Zerlina spend half an hour going from one dress to the next, until she found the perfect dress- it was a splendid shade of pink, with more lace than actual fabric and enough taffeta to drown a moose.

"This one, Jack, this one!" Zerlina called to Jack, who had by now fallen asleep in a chair, conveniently set aside for those waiting on their dearly loved ones. "I thought the dresses in Blackburn were delightful, but look at this fine product…Isn't it wonderful, Jack?"

"It's glorious!" he proclaimed, jerking out of his slumber. "Clerk, please ring up the dress of my lady friend," winking mischievous at the clerk. The clerk grinned widely, understanding, and quickly sold the pink dress of doom to Jack.

Zerlina and Jack's next stop was the market place of Port Royale, renown for its beautiful and exotic jewelry. Jack had bought a beautiful 24-karat diamond necklace there earlier. He planned to surprise Zerlina with it when they went on the romantic seaside picnic Jack had also planned for them to go on later that night. Suddenly Zerlina stopped and pointed.

"Oh Jack!" she called out, for the pirate had gotten ahead of her. She pointed to an apple stand "Can I get some of these?" Jack was fairly puzzled by her request, but bought the five largest juiciest apples from the vendor.

The vendor looked at Zerlina appraisingly. "You're a lucky man, sir." Jack looked at Zerlina who seemed to be muttering to the apples.

"Indeed. I feel like the luckiest man alive to have such a treasure." He grinned and walked over to the lady who had captured his heart.

"—Yes Captain Bar—"she noticed Jack looking at her strangely and quickly amended, "—_bara_ will absolutely LOVE these!" She turned to Jack and explained, "_She_ was so kind to me on the crossing from England. I feel I must repay _her_." She smiled suspiciously but Jack, of course, noticed not.

"That is so sweet of you," Jack praised, then turned and pointed to his ship. It was a little ways away, docked at the pier. "Come, fair Zerlina, let us go and have luncheon upon the _Black Pearl_, my ship!"

* * *

Will Turner stood hunched over a walnut table, studying a map detailed map of Port Royal. "This spot could work…" he muttered, staring at a spot on the map that was untaken by shops or houses. His eyes then strayed bottom of the map, where words seemed to be forming before his very eyes. "What the…" He focused on the ink as it assembled into letters. There was an M there, a Z over there, and an A… He gave out a surprised gasp as the words were suddenly made clear. " 'Zerlina is a Mary Sue'? I have heard of these demons! They are numerous in quantity, sinister in nature!" He raced out of the room, looking for Elizabeth. He found her drawing stick figures labeled "Zerlina", and she was shredding them into pieces with a rusty butcher knife.

"Elizabeth! I have found out what is wrong with Zerlina!" Elizabeth looked up from her devious activity.

"What are you talking about?" she questioned. He grabbed her arm and yanked her up, and pulled her through the house into his make-shift study.

"You must look at my map! It contains the answer to all the questions!" Elizabeth was mildly frightened by Will's hysteria, but followed him nonetheless. He steered her to his walnut desk, and pointed to the map stretched out upon its surface.

"Will, there's nothing there. It's just a map." She looked at him with worry. "Are you alright? Do you need to sit down?"

"I'm fine. But…where did the letters go?" He franticly searched the map. "I'm sure they were here…Oh well. No matter. I know the truth! WAHAHA!" Elizabeth backed away slowly, not wanting to startle her husband. She decided to wait till Will calmed down; which he did after a time. He turned to her, and looked deeply into her eyes. "Zerlina is a Mary Sue." Elizabeth gasped.

"I have heard of these creatures! Numerous in quantity, sinister in nature!" she whispered fearfully. "So, what are we to do?"

"We must do the only logical thing. Call the exterminators!" Out of nowhere, Will pulled out a gigantic telephone book and thumped it onto his walnut desk. Both Elizabeth and Will searched the yellow pages frantically.

"Malls…" Will flipped two pages by accident. "Minions…no, too far." He flipped back a page.

"Here, Will! Mary Sue Exterminators!" Elizabeth stabbed her finger down towards an add. "See, 'Stephan and Cicacia, experienced Mary Sue Exterminators - cheap.' Quick, Will, get the phone!" Will searched around the room, turning up nothing.

"We don't have a phone!" He nearly wept. Elizabeth, too, began to despair.

"Maybe, if we close our eyes and wish real hard they will come to us and rid us of Zerlina forever," she suggested. And so the two bowed their heads…and wished.

* * *

It was evening now. Jack and Zerlina sat side-by-side staring at the stars, next to the remains of their seaside picnic. Jack reached over and took Zerlina's hand.

"See the stars? And the way they reflect off the sea?" Jack turned to her. "That is exactly how I feel about you. I love you Zerlina." Zerlina tore her eyes off the stars, and turned to face the handsome, roguish pirate of her dreams.

"Oh, Jack…"

Jack pulled the 24-carat diamond necklace out of a pouch attached to his belt, and held it out to Zerlina.

"I want you to keep this as a gift from me forever." He gently fastened it around her slim and graceful neck. He removed his hands from about her neck, but did not pull his face away from hers. Her lips glittered like the stars above. Zerlina looked deeply into Jack's eyes, his o so brown eyes. She slipped her arms around his neck, and felt his steal around her waist. His face was so close now…so close…

* * *

Ooh, aren't we mean to you? Bwahhahaa! You'll have to keep reading to find out what happens to poor, Mary Sue-ensnared Jack! 


	4. The Exterminators Come

**A/N #1: **Hallo there! (did you know "hallo" is German? Now you do!) Well, sorry this story took so long to update. It was Cicada's fault. :D Yes. Well, I thought now would be a good time to reply to reviews.

**MadamStella** Thanks so much for being our first reviewer! You are cool! Do you have any doubts now that the Mary Sue is evil? (grins manically)

**Medea12:** Please don't panic! Jack might get better.

Medea12: might?

Stephie: (grins evilly and laughs)

**Trinity Day:** We finally put up more!

**Simoriah: Girl of Summer:** (hands Simoriah "favorite reviewer of the day" award) Yes, you are our favorite reviewer of the day! Don't you feel special?

Cicada: Speak for yourself! Cicada's my favorite reviewer of the day!

Stephie: You can have the award tomorrow! Let someone else have it for once!

Cicada: (pouts) Ok…

Stephie: Anyways…don't worry about your passion to kill Zerlina. This is a natural reaction. But please don't shoot her! We need her for the next couple of chapters! Then you can shoot her with a bazooka. Muahahahahaha!

**KT:** Hey Katie! I just thought I should put you in here cause you are cool and my friend! Yeah… We shall write more of Saruman and Sauron soon!

**TA Maxwell:** Ooh, good advice. (shows TA Maxwell a large collection of Mace cans in closet) I bought some! Now I just have to give it to Zerlina…

Cicada: You're story's good! I likes it! You should feel honored. You are probably the first reviewer I've ever been nice to.

**wOLF8: **Cicada: (is about to say something)

Stephie: Shut up Cicada! Whatever you are about to say, it is probably stupid and mean! Be nice to the reviewers…Yes, anyway, thanks for reviewing wOLF8, but if you are choking on the sweetness, won't pudding agitate this problem? (hands wOLF8 some beef jerky) There you go. You'll need it for this chappie…

Yes, well, that's all the replies me thinks. Now it's Cicada's turn to write an authors note. P.S. You should prolly just skip her note, cause she'll just call you mean names and say dumb things…

Cicada+Minion: (beat Stephie with large, heavy, and blunt items) Come on readers, this is fun! (readers beat Stephie as well)

Stephie: NO! Stop! Please! I'm the nice one!

**Cicada no A/N:** Well that was fun! I needed to focus my blind rage. Now I won't insult you as much. By the way Minion, nice beating. You too readers. I'm so proud of you. Since I won't insult you I have one thing to say… ON TO THE FIC! Oh yes, if you can find all of the _glorious_es and _doom_s you shall get an imaginary cookie! Now…ON TO THE FIC!

**Chapter 4: The Exterminators Come**

Zerlina shut her eyes as Jack's face got even closer to hers. She could feel his breath on her cheek. Anytime she would feel his lips touch her own, and Jack would be his, er, HERS!

A bunch of small but sudden pops distracted the two star-struck lovers. The two jerked to see what had disturbed them but only saw what had been there before. No, wait, there was something there! A black hole was situated in the center of their line of sight and was growing rapidly. Suddenly two dark figures came stumbling out of the hole.

"I am the better hobbit I tell you, Stephie!" cried the first figure.

"What are you talking about? I have the hairy feet!" the second figure, who was apparently Stephie, yelled back.

"But you shave your feet! You told me that the other day! Besides, I am shorter than you anyways. AND I have curly hair."

"You have a FRO, Cicada! NOT hobbit hair!"

"It isn't a fro!" Cicada screeched back. The first person, Cicada, was around 5 foot tall, with fuzzy brown hair adorning her head. She wore a black hoodie and jeans. Stephie, the taller of the two, came up to 5'2''. She had shoulder length brown hair, much less frizzy than Cicada's, however. She was dressed in denim cargos and a t-shirt. Stephie and Cicada, who were still arguing about who was the most hobbity, suddenly spun around to face the gaping and confused Jack and Zerlina.

"Oh, did we interrupt something?" Stephie asked noting Zerlina and Jack wrapped in each others arms. Zerlina blushed modestly and pulled away from Jack.

"No, me and my beau were simply admiring the starlight and the ocean and the sea!" she explained. Cicada suddenly came to a realization. _I only know of one person that is that dense!_ Cicada reached out, grabbed Stephie by the sleeve and pointed to Zerlina.

"It's Skanky! Skanky McHoe-Bag!" she let go of Stephie and pranced up to Zerlina. "It's been such a long time, Skank! Where have you been?" Zerlina, for once, was at a loss for words.

"Um, have I had the pleasure of meeting your acquaintance before, C-Cidao?" she finally said. Cicada then babbled something about Zerlina certainly being her childhood friend Skanky McHoe-Bag. This affirmation was bombarded with Zerlina's unnaturally long explanation of how she certainly couldn't be Skanky McHoe-Bag, whoever that was.

Stephie, who had been surveying the landscape, abruptly noticed Jack. Her eyes grew wide, and she contained herself for a mere 5 seconds before tearing up to Jack.

"Jack? Jack Sparrow?" Jack simply stared off at Zerlina, who was listening to-and interrupting- Cicada's childhood memories of Skanky McHoe-Bag. Stephie took advantage of Jack's trance and promptly ripped off Jack's clothes. Jack woke at this and shouted "Bloody! What are you?" Stephie ignored Jack's protests and continued to rapidly peel off first his jacket, then vest, and lastly, she began working on his linen shirt. Zerlina and Cicada looked over in horror. But, despite everyone looking strangely at her, Stephie continued her odd behavior. She pushed Jack's flailing hands away and proceeded to nearly rend Jack's shirt in half, and then pulled it back to reveal Jack's tan chest.

"I found it!" Stephie exclaimed. Cicada blanched and averted her eyes; Zerlina just stared.

"Bloody worse than Scarlet…" Jack mumbled. He glanced up, and caught Zerlina's reprimanding gaze. "Scarlet being my mother, of course." He yanked his clothes out of Stephie's hands and put them back on, glancing sheepishly toward Zerlina. Elated from her "find", Stephie skipped over to Cicada.

"I FOUND it!" she breathed, getting in Cicada's face.

"I'm afraid to ask what you are referring to…" Cicada trailed off, looking slightly disturbed due to Stephie's abnormal activities.

"The tattoo. THE TATTOO!" Stephie gestured madly towards Jack. "He has the tattoo."

"What tattoo?" Cicada said angrily.

"THE tattoo! The tattoo of Captain Jack Sparrow! He has on the left side of his chest! Just like the movie! He must be the real Jack! He must be!"

"Cripes Stephie, you didn't have to tear his shirt off for that! You could've just looked for the tattoo on his arm!" Jack looked up from his spot on the ground with a curious yet disturbed look on his face at the mention of his tattoos; tattoos that neither of these children should have seen before. And the fact that one of them had ripped off his shirt was also quite unnerving.

"How do they know of my tattoos?" he said, half to himself, and half to Zerlina, who had by now wormed her way back over to Jack.

"I do not know the answer to you query, oh love of my life." She edged closer to him as she spoke, and wrapped her arm around his waist. He looked down confusedly at Zerlina, who seemed to be trying to spout poetry, to no avail. After all these strange happenings, he was in no mood for romance. With much more useless arm movement than was necessary, Jack began to pluck Zerlina's arm off of his waist, but stopped. Her cerulean eyes. Her flaxen hair. Her full, ruby red lips. Her perfect figure. It was happening again! He was entranced. He stopped plucking, and instead pulled Zerlina closer to himself. Zerlina looked up into his dazed stare. _I may still have him_, she thought triumphantly. She caressed his cheek with her hand and played with the beads dangling from his hair. Jack turned his eyes down to look at her. _She is so stunning…_he thought. _But…_ Zerlina could feel Jack's hesitation. She looked to see the cause of his distraction, and found the two teenagers bickering.

"I'm telling you, you didn't have to rip off his shirt! You alarmed quite a few people, including me!" Cicada was yelling at Stephie.

"I did too! If I hadn't checked and made sure he had the tattoo, we still wouldn't know if he was the real Jack Sparrow!" Stephie retorted.

"Of course we'd know! I told you my machine would send us to a fictional world."

"You were trying to get us to Middle Earth, you idiot! Your machine OBVIOUSLY doesn't work! So, if the piece of crap doesn't work, how could we know that it was the real Jack Sparrow? We couldn't! That's why I had to check!"

"But you still didn't have to rip his shirt off!"

"Yeah huh! I had to or else--"

Zerlina abruptly stood up, Jack's arm--which had been around her waist--nearly ripping off in the process. She stalked over to the two arguing girls and raised her hand. Right at that moment Stephie saw something on the ground and stooped to pick it up. Meanwhile, Cicada was backhanded roughly by Zerlina.

"SHUT UP! YOU TALK TOO LONG! YOU ARE RUINING THE ROMANTIC ATMOSPHERE!" Zerlina seemed to have grown 5 feet and sprouted horns. Cicada was dazed by the cuff, and fell over next to Stephie, who had found a shilling.

"Look, Cicada, I found a coin! Oh, that looks nasty!" she said, noticing the red mark on Cicada's face where Zerlina's hand had connected with Cicada's flesh. Zerlina's burning fury, as suddenly as it had flared up, was extinguished.

"I am terribly sorry, sir! I assure you I…I did not mean to commit such a vile deed!" Cicada was too dazed to realize that Zerlina had just called her a man.

"That was a great hit! Can you do it to her again?" Stephie asked Zerlina, looking up hopefully.

"By all means, no! I shall ne'er inflict such pain upon my fellow man a second time!" Zerlina cried. She dropped to her knees in front of Cicada. "Please, Cidao, will you forgive me?"

"Stephie…the pills…" Cicada croaked. Stephie hastily dug through her pockets, and produced a bottle of Tylenol.

"With pleasure!" Stephie thrust the bottle into in Cicada's trembling hands (glorious!). Cicada speedily downed 15 or 16 pills, and handed the bottle back to Stephie.

"Anyone else need Tylenol?" Stephie looked to Zerlina and Jack, who shook their heads. "Alright." She stuffed the pills back into her pocket from whence it came.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Swann Mansion…

* * *

Governor Swann walked into the room where Will and Elizabeth sat, still bent over wishing for Mary Sue exterminators. They had been doing this for several hours now.

"So, this is the path you've chosen? After all…he is a blacksmith," the Governor mumbled. Elizabeth looked up.

"What are you talking about, Father?" Elizabeth questioned. Will just shrugged. He was getting used to these unusual outbursts. _Strange how they never happened before Zerlina came…_he thought.

Governor Swann looked perplexed, as if he couldn't find the right words to say. Finally, he burst out, "There, see, at least the boy has a sense of propriety. Now, we really must be going. Farewell." But he made no actions to signify he was going anywhere. Elizabeth looked up blankly, trying to make sense of this. Governor Swann moved his lips, but nothing came out. He finally let out an exasperated sigh.

"What is it, Father!" Elizabeth asked again, alarmed. The Governor gestured over and over, pointing outside. Elizabeth let out a frustrated growl. "Just spit it out, Father!" Governor Swann gestured some more, but seeing neither Elizabeth nor Will were understanding, grabbed Elizabeth's hand and dragged her up from the sturdy, birch chair she had been sitting on and pulled her into Zerlina's room of doom. He then let go of Elizabeth's hand and pointed to a clock in the corner. Elizabeth blinked, trying to figure out what he meant. Will, who had followed them along, pondered the Governor's actions for a moment, then suddenly realized what Governor Swann meant.

"It's 11 o' clock!" he exclaimed. Elizabeth turned to him.

"So?"

"It's 11, and Zerlina hasn't gotten back from her outing with Jack."

"That's not necessarily a bad thing…" Elizabeth said under her breath. But Governor Swann seemed to think it was, for he handed Elizabeth a lantern and ushered her and Will to the door.

"Elizabeth I want you to accompany the boy. He'll be in your charge. Take care of him."

"Um…" Elizabeth started. Will cut her off stating, "I think he means for us to look for Zerlina, dear."

"Oh." And with that, Elizabeth and Will started off in search of Zerlina and Jack.

* * *

Cicada was unnaturally energetic due to her massive overdose of Tylenol. She kept hitting herself to see if it would hurt. When she found it didn't, she kept hitting herself for fun. Stephie sat by, laughing, then turning to check on Jack, then laughed at her stupid friend again. Jack was knee-high in the ocean water, having broken out of Zerlina's entrancement for a rare moment. He stared out into the sea, wondering why he was with these insane cretins. He just wanted to go back to the _Pearl_

Zerlina sat combing her hair, which was a completely useless activity, for her hair never tangled anyway. She had tried for a time to get Jack to kiss her, but that had failed, and Jack wandered from her and into the ocean, attempting to see any clue of where the _Black Pearl_ had gone. It of course, was still waiting for him a mile away, at the dock. But, in his delusion caused by Zerlina, Jack could not remember what had happened to him before he had met her. It was really quite aggravating. Stephie had laughed at Zerlina's futile attempts to get Jack into a romantic mood, calling her a "bimbo, and a tart, and totally unsuitable for Jack! Just look at your badly bleached hair! And your unpronounceably blue eyes--you have contacts, don't you?" Zerlina did not know what most of this meant, but when Stephie insulted her figure, Zerlina had walked away quietly and sat down and wept, hoping to draw Jack's attention. When this failed, she decided to brush her hair. That brings us to the present. Cicada stopped pounding herself and declared herself goddess of the hobbits. Stephie was somewhat frightened, and pulled out the bottle of Tylenol and read the fine print on the back. "Do not use more than 4 tablets in 24 hours." _Hmmm…maybe I should watch her more carefully when she takes my Tylenol…_ Cicada took a palm branch and attempted to weave it into her hair, believing it was a crown. Stephie was getting bored with her friend's antics by now, and so she stood and walked over to Zerlina.

"You said we ruined the romantic atmosphere, Zerbeena. Now, can you tell me who you were being romantic with?" Stephie questioned. Zerlina did not answer, but instead turned away. "It certainly wasn't Jack, right? Of course not. He wouldn't be stupid enough to go out with YOU." Stephie paused, waiting for Zerlina to answer. When Zerlina remained silent, Stephie pressed on. "Or maybe you were being romantic with him?" she pondered this for a second, then burst out into taunting laughter. "You and Jack…together…" she laughed again, then stopped abruptly when she noticed Zerlina not making a retaliation. She sighed. _This is no fun. _She was about to hurl another insulting remark at Zerlina, when she noticed Will and Elizabeth walking up. Zerlina noticed, too, and she bounded up, glad for an excuse to get away from Stephie, and greeted her cousin in her typical fashion.

"Oh, fair coz! May I inquire as to why you have traversed this great distance and come to us?" Elizabeth looked at Zerlina questioningly, the looked behind her back where the Swann Mansion stood, barely 15 yards away.

"We're only a little way from the house. What are you talking about, 'great distance'?" Elizabeth found it hard to keep the scorn out of her voice as she spoke to her cousin. Will grabbed her shoulder and squeezed it, an unvoiced reminder to be kind to her aggravating cousin, even if she was a Mary Sue. Elizabeth then noticed with surprise, that there were two others with Zerlina and that Jack was gone. Wait, no, he was out wading in the sea. But who were the other two?

"Um, Zerlina, who are these…" she noticed one girl chanting something and the other playing with Jack's pistol, which he had left when he had walked out in the water. "…people," she ended lamely, not able to think of any suitable word for them.

Zerlina, excited to be asked a question, gestured to the girl who had been chanting not a minute before. "This is Sir-" Cicada stopped her chanting and walked over to Elizabeth.

"Miss-" Cicada interrupted. Zerlina interrupted Cicada's interruption.

"Cidao." Cicada then interrupted the interruption of her interruption.

"Cicada. It's MISS CICADA," she stated, then pointed at Stephie. "And that's Stephie." Elizabeth glanced over at Stephie, who had gotten her finger stuck in some part of the pistol and was shaking both her hand and the gun on it violently.

"Cicada and Stephie?" Elizabeth looked to Will. "Cicada and Stephie! The exterminators!" she grabbed Will into a hug, then danced around, elated by the fact that her cousin might soon be GONE. After she had stopped dancing, Elizabeth hugged Cicada. Cicada, caught up in the excitement, hugged back, though she didn't quite understand what was going on. Elizabeth then rushed to hug Stephie, who accepted the kind gesture, but not without a surprised jump and a flicker of fear passing through her eyes. Elizabeth let go and introduced herself.

"I am Elizabeth Swann. I can see that you two are new to the area. Do you have a place to stay?"

"Uh, no," Stephie answered.

"Then please come and stay at my house." Elizabeth offered.

"OK! We would love to!" Cicada exclaimed joyously, but Stephie quickly pulled her aside.

"We can't impose on Will and Elizabeth! We hardly know them, except from the movie!" Stephie whispered to Cicada.

"But we don't have money besides your ONE shilling AND we don't have any food! Well, we do, but it's the stuff I cooked…" Cicada reasoned. The two girls both grimaced as they thought of the blackened and malformed food that Cicada had attempted to prepare.

"You're right! Let's stay with them and eat THEIR food!" Stephie agreed, and they walked back to the waiting Elizabeth.

"We have decided to accept your offer of kindness and glory." Stephie informed Elizabeth.

"Good. Let's go then--It's late." Elizabeth grabbed Will's hand and started back to the Swann Mansion, with Zerlina, Cicada, and Stephie in tow. Elizabeth looked back over her shoulder and yelled, "Goodnight, Jack!" Stephie, suddenly remembering the pirate standing in the water, nearly stopped walking and went back to him, but Cicada grasped the collar of her shirt and forcibly pulled her along.

* * *

Cicada: Just as a note I want to say that I am not really like that. As for Stephie, well…

Stephie: Hey! I'm not THAT obsessive over Jack in REAL life!

Cicada: Oh yes. I'm sorry. You reserve that level of obsessiveness for Aragorn.

Stephie: You shut up!

Cicada: (sticks out tongue)

Stephie: I'm not that rabid of a fangirl…(looks to replica of Andúril sitting up against her desk, life-size pictures of Aragorn hanging from the walls, and hears occasional screams from the Dunadan, who has been locked in her closet since she had last updated The Unheard Story of Saruman and Sauron). Really, I'm not an obsessive fangirl!


	5. Breakfast

**A/N #1: **Hello dere! I hope you are all doing fine. Just so ya'll know(I'm from the North), this chappie was meant to be quite a bit longer, but Cicada and I have not had much free time, so we decided just to post this as it is. Sorry it's so short, but there will be another chapter up soon! (I hope…) Oh yeah, remember to count the dooms…(I would say count the gloriouses, but there really aren't many…)

Replies to Reviewers (have I ever said I love those who review? I do! I love reviews, I THRIVE on reviews, and I like those who leave those reviews…)

**Simoriah: Girl of Summer**: Um…I'm not sure if I'm scared or greatly amused…Well, anyways, you can't blow up Zerlina yet, but I promise you Cicada and I aren't going to be very nice to her…Oh yeah! You are smart! You figured out the Governor's speech problem. Sometimes I feel bad for him. But not TOO bad! MUAHAHAHAA! Right. I'll calm down now.

**TA Maxwell: **Yay! More mace! prances around and ceremoniously puts mace into the Sacred Mace Closet Do you like the closet's new name? I thought it should have a name... stares at Jack voodoo doll Whoa, dude, what's this do? rips doll's head off Jack: head falls off Oops…

Ha! I am not putting a disclaimer up! I mean, Cicada and I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, but I'm still not gonna put up a disclaimer! YAHAHA!

**Chapter 5: Breakfast**

The next day was sunny and warm, just like every other day on the beautiful tropical island. It was midmorning, and Cicada and Stephie were still abed in the room that Elizabeth had given them to share. (they had separate beds!) They were both sleeping peacefully, the morning song of the birds not reaching into the inner recesses of their cloudy minds. Cicada mumbled something about hobbits (perhaps it was something about their mushroom addiction?). Stephie was log-like in her slumber, but a funny smile faintly showed on her lips. (we don't want to know what SHE dreams about! CoughAragorn!CoughJack!Cough) Suddenly the sleeping beauties (ha! Who are we kidding? Ok, no more parentheses!) were broken from their repose by the violent light of the sun pouring in through the now unshuttered windows. Cicada screeched.

"The yellow face! It burns us!" The maid turned and looked at Cicada with a mix of fear and confusion. Stephie remained inactive, still lost in her dreams of doom --in them she got to kill Arwen with a large fork-- until her covers were brutally ripped from her lazy body.

"No, no…must sleep…Jack and Aragorn are waiting…" Stephie mumbled, yanking the covers from the maid's hands. Estrella, the aforementioned maid, tried to pull the covers away from Stephie again. She had never met such a lazy person! But, every time she yanked, Stephie yanked back, and soon a war for the blankets ensued.

"Whohoo! Go Stephie! Give her the right hook!" Cicada cheered. Stephie, zealous to go back to the dream realm with Jack and Aragorn, jerked on the comforter with an amazing display of strength. Estrella, no match for Stephie's desperate struggles, lost her footing and fell on her bum with a loud THUNK! It was at that moment that Elizabeth knocked on the door and, without waiting for an answer, walked into the room.

"Estrella! What are you doing on the floor? I sent you in here to wake the exterminators up, not take a break!" Elizabeth scolded. In response, Estrella hastily picked herself up off the floor, brushed herself off, and left the room with a hurried "Beggin' your pardon, Miss." Elizabeth huffed in indignation, and then informed the two bums, "Hurry and get dressed – it is time for breakfast." Cicada sluggishly pulled herself from the bed and tried to shoo Elizabeth from the room so she could dress. Elizabeth, however, made no move to leave.

"What about your friend? Is she going to get up?" Elizabeth implored, glancing at the lump of a human, again slumbering soundly (glorious!). Cicada grunted, and made her way over to her friend's bed.

"Hey Stephie, it's time for grubfest!" she whispered into Stephie's ear. At this, Stephie opened her eyes and flung herself out of the bed, suffered from a dizzy spell, and, after recovering, began to dress. Cicada briskly shoved Elizabeth out of the room and followed Stephie's suit.

* * *

Cicada picked at her eggs benedict, for she was particularly fastidious about her food. Eggs were not on her good list. In contrast, Stephie shoved her eggs down her throat with surprising speed for someone who had recently refused to move. Governor Swann and Will politely ignored Stephie's loud smacking chewing noises and the sound of Cicada's fork grating across her plate as she looked for some satisfactory morsel. Elizabeth did not even try to block out the disgusting, annoying noises. In fact, she rather enjoyed them. They were a nice repose from Zerlina's constant babble. This relief was short lived, however, for at that very moment, Zerlina trounced down the stairs, wearing her new pink dress of doom. She entered the kitchen with her countenance glowing with happiness, until she noticed everyone already eating. Her radiance was quickly overshadowed with embarrassment.

"I beg your grace over mine own slothfulness for it hath forced thee to break thine fast without mine lowly presence!" Zerlina exclaimed apologetically. Will looked up questioningly at her. Cicada pulled some sort of device out of her pocket and pushed some buttons.

"What the crap? Stephie, this stupid machine was supposed to translate other languages into English, but I think it gave me Portuguese!" Cicada whispered to her egg-shoving-down-the-throat friend. Stephie paid no heed, but continued to eat. Zerlina's eyes swept the maple tableside, looking for a place to sit. Elizabeth had been feeling particularly malicious that morning, and had organized an early breakfast. She had also ordered away 15 chairs, leaving only 5 for herself, Will, the Governor, Stephie and Cicada.(there were normally 20 chairs surrounding the table, in the event that an important person and their party were to come and visit the Swanns.) Elizabeth noticed Zerlina's swift glances at the chairs – or lack thereof – and she failed to hide her smug grin.

"The chairs are being repaired," Elizabeth explained matter-of-factly. "You can use…that bucket over there!" She pointed to a bucket of dirty mop water in the corner of the large dining room. Zerlina thought about objecting, but instead, she humbled herself and took the bucket. She then walked through the kitchen and out the back door, and dumped the bucket's grimy contents into a bush. Carrying the pail, she made her way back to the dining room and set it down upon the ground. After much fidgeting and adjusting of the pink dress of doom she lightly set herself upon the filthy bucket. The top of her head was barely visible over the maple table. Cicada tried to stifle her giggles and failed miserably. Stephie made absolutely no effort to tame her hysterics, and let lose a round of loud guffaws and heehaws. The Governor appeared to be trying to speak, perhaps to save Zerlina from her humiliation, but, being unable to do so, he finally whimpered, "Elizabeth, are you decent?" Elizabeth made no move to respond but instead grinned evilly. Will bit his lip and tried not to smile. He would have to reprimand his wife later for her rudeness, but, at the moment, he found the scene quite comical.

The six resumed their eating, Stephie purposely dropping parts of her egg onto Zerlina's head. Cicada grinned at her friend, and helpfully passed her own plate of uneaten eggs over for Stephie to use as ammo. This amused the two for a while until Zerlina moved just a little out of Stephie's reach. Not wanting to seem obvious in her cruel doings, Stephie decided it was best not to pitch her food four feet to where Zerlina now sat, so she simply finished eating what was left of her eggs. All was peaceful, until Estrella suddenly burst into the room searching frantically.

"Misses and Sirs, have any of you seen the bucket or mop water I had in here? I can't seem to find…" she trailed off as her eyes moved down to the bucket Zerlina was perched upon. This was just too much! It was bad enough for someone to take her mop bucket, but it was ZERLINA who had taken it. Estrella hated Zerlina with a fiery passion. Zerlina had been at the Swann Mansion for less than half a week, but had still managed to make Estrella's life a living pothole. The night of her arrival, Zerlina had awakened Estrella at 3:00 AM for a trivial glass of water! And then, when Zerlina had returned to the Mansion after her lengthy outing with Jack Sparrow, she had awakened Estrella – AGAIN – and asked her for some apples. Estrella had tried to reason with Zerlina, pointing out that Zerlina already had five apples, but Zerlina had kept insisting she needed more. Estrella had had to go to the cellar over and over again, bringing Zerlina red apples and green apples and yellow apples and big ones, small ones, (some as big as your head...) until Zerlina had a pile of about 50 apples sitting in her room. By the time Estrella had finally satisfied Zerlina, it was 1 AM, and Estrella only got 4 hours of sleep. To top all of it off, Estrella had had a nightmarish morning waking up the two children. It was all too much for poor Estella to bear. Brining herself back to the present, Estrella scowled at Zerlina and yanked the bucket out from beneath the annoyance's dainty posterior. Zerlina feel to the floor, spilling her glass of milk all over her new dress. A sneer flitted across Estrella's face. She exited the room holding the bucket, and over and over in her mind she replayed the scene of Zerlina flopping onto the ground, soaked with milk.

* * *

Ok, so that chappie really didn't have much in the way of excitement, but there shall be some soon! Oh yes, there will be! Yeah…Oh yes, I have to explain why there are no a/n from Cicada. You see, she came down with West Bermesian Measles and I decided I should write this chapter without her. So I did.

OK! It's a lie! Cicada isn't sick. She had to go home before she could write her author's notes, so there aren't any from her. Yet. As soon as she can come over again, I will make her write her notes. Yup. I apologize for the boringness of my notes…


	6. Certain Death and Dismemberment

**A/N #1: **Ya hello! Aren't you excited? We updated! And it's a really long, really random chapter, just for you! Yeah…Oh yes, I just want to say right away that I do not believe in Jack/Anamaria relationships. It could not happen! I'm telling you, it just wouldn't work. Jack does not want commitment! What idiot thought that he does? Arg! Jack just likes to take advantage of girls, not promise them a future and marriage and commitment and whatnut. Yeah. So, whenever this story mentions me harming or killing Anamaria, it is just cause I find her to be _slightly_ threatening. And I only find her slightly threatening because I have read too many Jack/Anamaria stories! They inspire fear in my heart…So yes. You now know that I am totally against Jack/Anamaria stories, and any other Jack pairings. (yes, I know Jack is hooked up with Zerlina in this story! But know that I am simply making fun of you who write Jack pairings! You are all…You're all…eh, nevermind) Yes. Please enjoy and R&R!

**Simoriah: Girl of Summer: **Oh yes, before I let Cicada talk, I have to say hi to you. Hi! Good girl, waiting to kill Zerlina. It is hard, I know. I have visions of Zerlina and horrible farm machinery mutilation…and…death. WAHAHAHA! Anyways, thanks lots for reviewing every chapter! We love you! (well, I'm not sure if Cicada is capable of love but…) Right. I would give you the "Favorite Reviewer of the Day" award, but Cicada took it again. Sorry bout that… (Cicada grins)

**A/N B:** It's Cicada here! Wow, Stephie, I think you managed to alienate more readers in that one author's note than I have in the entire story! My great influence must be rubbing off on you. No need to thank me! Also, Minion will not be appearing in this A/N due to a freak accident with a burlap sack, bricks, a bridge, and a river. I love writing this story, especially the Zerlina scenes. (is lying through teeth) It is such an honor to be writing to amuse you hardworking members of society. (is lying again) I love you ALL! I love EVERYONE! (still lying) So please review. (eyes turn red) NOW! And all flames will be returned to their owners with a special surprise (horrible burning death). (grins evilly) So now ON TO THE—

**Minion: (**is dripping wet and carrying burlap sack with bricks in it) Hello Cicada. Did you think you had gotten rid of me? (wields flamethrower) Try and get rid of me NOW! (chases Cicada with flamethrower)

Cicada: (running away) …FIICCCCC! (voice fading into the distance) OUCH! THE BURNING! PAIN!

**Chapter 6: Death and Certain Dismemberment**

An hour after the incident at breakfast, Elizabeth found Cicada and Stephie carrying a bucket of whitewash around the mansion while pointing at random rooms and whispering. They hadn't noticed Elizabeth yet and seemed to be arguing - again.

"May I have a word with you two?" she inquired, alerting the two pranksters of her presence. The two jumped and Cicada tried to hide the hefty bucket behind her back.

"I don't know what you're talking about! We don't have a bucket!" Cicada blurted out nervously, a guilty expression locked on her face. Stephie elbowed her in the gut, causing some whitewash to splatter on the floor.

"Shut up Cicada!" Stephie whispered fiercely. "I don't think she saw the bucket!" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow but decided not to confront the pair on why they would carry a bucket of whitewash around. She instead said, "Come with me," and ushered the half wits into her and Will's makeshift study (but not until Cicada "stealthily" hid the whitewash behind a potted fern where the bucket stuck out like a sore thumb). Will was already in the room waiting for his wife to return with the exterminators. He sat upon one of the sturdy, birch chairs, leaning comfortably on the walnut desk. Elizabeth maneuvered the two girls onto two similar birch chairs.

"Um…" Stephie said, looking around. "Are we in trouble? The whitewash was Cicada's idea! We were bringing it to the maid! Really it's her fault!"

"What!" Cicada interrupted, "it was YOUR idea! Blame _her_!" she pointed at Stephie accusingly. Stephie snarled at her friend, and both girls leapt from their seats and circled each other, each frantically looking for anything that they could use as weapons. Will's eyes widened as he watched Stephie grab from two display hooks the sword he had finished making that very morning. He was even more dismayed as Cicada picked up his favorite stool, and the two girls began to wail on each other. Will panicked, afraid for his possessions. In an amazing display of bravery, he jumped from his chair and tackled Stephie and wrenched the sword out of her hands. Cicada stood by laughing, still wielding Will's stool. From his position on the floor Will managed to kick Cicada's feet out from under her, and when she fell the stool tumbled from her grasp. Will began to rise, holding the rescued stool and sword, confident that he had the situation under control. To his chagrin, however, the girls looked at each other conspiratorially and yelled in unison, "FOR THE SHIRE!" and then they pounced on Will. It was quite possible for Will to have died at the hands of the two girls (well maybe not _that_ possible) that day had it not been for the intervention of Elizabeth.+

"THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE BUCKET!" Elizabeth yelled over the din. "Or about the Shire or whatever else you fools are ranting about!" she added. The threesomes on the floor were alarmed at Elizabeth's outburst, and the riot subsided. Silence descended over the room. Will crawled back to his chair and the girls sat again as if nothing had happened.

"Oh. Alright," Cicada said cheerily, "what IS this about then?" Elizabeth held her head in her hands for a moment, a headache making itself known. She sighed, then looked up and spoke.

"This is about Zerlina." Stephie scowled at the name and Cicada continued to look unnaturally cheery. "She is a Mary Sue. I want you to exterminate her."

"I have heard of these beings! Numerous in quantity, sinister in nature!" Cicada cried. Then a puzzled look crossed her face. "Whadda ya mean, 'exterminate her'?" she asked.

"Are you not Mary Sue exterminators?" Elizabeth asked. Stephie quickly clapped a hand over Cicada's mouth.

"Of course we are! My colleague here just means erm, uh, _how_ do you want us to exterminate her?" she said hurriedly, hoping she had covered up Cicada's fumble.

"Oh, I leave that up to your discretion." Elizabeth smiled wickedly. "I just ask that you do it quickly." _And painfully_, she added mentally. She rose from her seat. "Well, Will and I have a meeting with an estate agent we need to get to. Thank you for your help." She and Will left the room, leaving the two girls to think. As soon as she could no longer hear the couple's footsteps, Cicada's burst out, "Stephie, you do realize that we are NOT MARY SUE EXTERMINATORS, RIGHT?" She yelled the last part of the sentence out of nervousness and confusion.

"Of course we aren't. But _they_ think we are," Stephie reasoned. "How long do you think they'd keep us around if they found out we aren't really who they think we are?" Cicada tried to digest this new reasoning. "Plus," Stephie added, "how long would our food last if they put us out on the streets? Or how long would _we_ last _with_ the food," she continued thoughtfully. Both girls cringed.

"Yeah. I guess your right. Come to think of it, the jam _did_ escape last night and nearly set the kitchen on fire." Cicada cringed again at the memory.

"How could you tell it was the jam?" Stephie asked, wondering how Cicada could tell the difference between her many mutated and verminous foods.

"He apologized afterwards," Cicada stated. Stephie quickly made a mental note to never go near Cicada's jam again. "He's the most polite of the bunch." Stephie nodded mutely. "He hates Zerlina, too," Cicada continued. "That's why he was down in the kitchen. He saw her leave the house and wanted to catch her on her way back in."

"Why did he want to catch her?" Stephie questioned, getting truly frightened.

"To eat her, of course!" Cicada replied, as if that was absolutely normal (then again, with Cicada's food, that _is_ absolutely normal).

"What time did this happen?" Stephie implored.

"About 1:00, 1:30 maybe. The jam said Zerlina had a big bulgy sack with her, too."

"Oh, OK. I was asleep then. You know, I had another dream about Aragorn last night, it was horrible, he and Arwen were making out like in the movie -- it was sick -- and then..." Cicada instantly blocked out Stephie's retelling of her dream. Cicada had heard one too many of these dreams, which usually involved either Aragorn or Jack, sometimes both. In them Stephie would follow her crushes' every step, perhaps chase Arwen with a syringe full of poison, or kill Anamaria if Stephie felt threatened by her presence (threatened means Anamaria was simply present in the dream). Cicada's mind wandered instead to the bucket of whitewash, still sitting behind the fern in the hall…

* * *

_The jam crept along the wall, staying hidden in the shadows. His gelatinous eyes followed a blonde figure who was also trying to avoid being seen. The figure adjusted the bulky bag hanging over her shoulder. The figure smelled strongly of apples, along with a scent that can only be defined as every species of flower mixed together. The scent nearly knocked the poor jam unconscious. The figure slipped out the back door, silent as a weasel, but then she tripped over a rock just outside the door. The figure fell unceremoniously to the ground and apples tumbled from the bag. Zerlina's voice ripped through the silence and a stream of curses poured from her ruby red lips. The jam…stood (can jam stand?) aghast and amazed. He hadn't known that word could be used like THAT! Not to mention the astounding fact that the foul word had come from Zerlina, of all people! Just one more reason for the jam to eat her. He started to move toward her prone figure when, out of nowhere, a scary man appeared. The jam retreated once again into the dark of the night, listening intently to the strange conversation between Zerlina and the scary man._

"_You dropped the apples!" the scary man (who the jam had begun to mentally call "Scary") shouted in dismay. Zerlina rushed to pick up the fallen apples, all the while mumbling forced apologies. When the apples had all been picked up, Zerlina rose and handed the bag to Scary. Scary took the bag and cradled it lovingly. He then reached into it and pulled out an apple and took a large bite of it. _

"_Thank 'e. Now, how is the plan getting' along?" Scary asked._

"_It was going good," Zerlina began, "until these two FOOLS appeared!" she complained, disgust evident in her voice. "I nearly had Jack when THEY came and ruined it!"_

"_Stop whining!" Scary growled. "We still have time. THEY haven't caught up to us yet." Zerlina nodded, but with a frustrated air. "I have to get back to the ship. Can't have another mutiny." Scary seemed to chuckle as if challenging fate. He nodded towards Zerlina and began to say something, when a bloodcurdling scream rang out (it was Stephie's scream actually -- she had just gotten to the part in her dream where she caught Aragorn and Arwen snogging), and Scary's words were lost to the jam. Zerlina and Scary glanced up, but did not seem too alarmed by the scream and Scary proceeded to pull something from his pocket. It flashed metallically in the moonlight as he slipped it upon his finger. Suddenly Zerlina and the jam were alone. Zerlina paused for a moment then began to walk off the Swann property. _

"_I need a drink," she mumbled as she disappeared into the darkness. The jam, just now recovering from the shock, decided he would wait in the kitchen of the Manor for Zerlina to return. Then he would eat her. He made his way back inside and hid inside the kitchen, waiting.

* * *

__3 hours later…_

_The jam had not moved since he had first sat (can jam sit?) down in the kitchen. At 4:17 he finally decided to give up his prey and go to bed. He was tired, the maids would be getting up soon, and his extremely corrosive goo was beginning to eat through the floor. The jam began to crawl back to Cicada and Stephie's room to sleep. However, as the jam glanced back into the kitchen just to make sure Zerlina hadn't come back, he noticed that his goo was more corrosive than he had first thought. A dollop of his prune-goo had started a small section of wooden floor on fire. Had Cicada not come down to the kitchen to forage, the entire mansion might have started ablaze. As it was, Cicada, in her half-awake stupor, noticed the growing fire and put it out will a conveniently located blueberry pie. She then turned her eyes on the guilty-looking jam. The jam quickly whimpered out some apologetic gurgles, and then ran and jumped(can jam jump?) into Cicada's backpack, where he hid for the rest of the night. Cicada grunted. _I should probably punish him…oh well. _She sluggishly searched for an apple. When none were to be found (dirty Zerlina!), she gave up and went back to bed.

* * *

_

It was mid afternoon and Zerlina was sitting in front of her vanity, brushing her long golden tresses with a silver comb. Her meaningless activity was interrupted by a voice coming from the balcony conveniently located outside her bedroom.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more temperate and more fair," the voice called. Zerlina, recognizing the voice, ran out onto the balcony and looked at the man below.

"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks! It is the east and Zerlina is the sun!" he continued.

"My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound: Art thou not Jack and a pirate?" she said in reply.

"Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; henceforth I never will be Jack," he cried. "Come and join me, fair Zerlina! I have just snuck away from my crew just to be with thee! Come away with me, my love." Zerlina hesitated for but a moment, but her wild heart told her that _now_ was the opportune moment! She leapt from the balcony, her skirts fluttering as she fell, and she landed in Jack's arms. The two ran off gaily. Elizabeth, who had been watching the lover's entire discourse, smiled and deemed it safe to venture out of her room.

* * *

**Subchapter: **Date of Doom 2 (what the heck is a subchapter?)

Zerlina's voice carried on the wind like the song of a thousand…vultures. Jack was enraptured. The townsfolk were enraged. Many clapped their hands over their ears and ran from the direction of the screeching. Some threw rotten fruit and vegetables. One old woman confronted the blissful couple.

"Your singing is A-TRO-CIOUS!" she screamed. Zerlina stopped mid-stanza and her lovely blue eyes began to tear up.

"You dare question my love's honor?" Jack roared. He unsheathed his sword. "Have at you, you knave!" The old woman brandished her cane. The two combatants flew at each other, and a fierce battle began. Jack parried, thrust, blocked, jabbed, and he tripped a little bit, too. The woman swung her cane wildly, seeming to move faster than lightning. The two locked weapons and glared at each other. The old woman pushed Jack back with the strength of five heads of oxen; her victory seemed very near. Suddenly the old woman suffered a heart attack. She fell to the cold, dusty ground. With her dying breath she uttered: "Kids these days. No respect…for…the elderly…" And so Jack won the battle for Zerlina's honor. Zerlina rushed into Jack's arms and embraced him.

"Oh Jack! You are so brave." He grinned roguishly and they both leaned for a kiss, when Jack pulled back and sneezed. The contents of his nose were sent directly into Zerlina's face. Zerlina gasped with surprise and quickly pulled out a lacy handkerchief and wiped at her face furiously. The two were further prevented from the kissing by the cruel laughter of a small boy. Zerlina, after she had gotten all of the mucus off of her face (except for one big booger that resided on the middle of her forehead), turned and stared uncomprehendingly at the boy.

"By all means, what are you laughing at, fair child?" she questioned.

"He isn't brave at all! The old woman was 89 years old! And she nearly won! He's just a pathetic loser!" he jeered, and burst into hysterical laughter once again. A second child, a girl this time, suddenly appeared on the scene. She approached the quickly-cooling corpse of the old woman. She stared at the body for a few moments. The she also started to laugh, but for different reasons than the boy.

"Wahahahahaha! That old lady was my nanny! I always hated her…" She continued to laugh, pointing at the body and dancing around (glorious!). Jack, by now, was angry and deeply disturbed.

"Come, my dear," Jack said. "Where would you like to go, my love? Away from here," he added, glancing distastefully at the two children. Zerlina thought for a moment, and then replied, "My lord, if it seems good in your fair eyes…well, you see, my beautiful, graceful pink dress that you kindly bought for me," she shifted uncomfortably. "It…I spilled a glass of milk on it and well…" Jack smiled and took her hand.

"Then it is to the dress shop we go, to purchase you an even more splendid dress!"

The pair exited the dress shop with a large bag. Jack carried his nearly empty money bag sullenly. Zerlina's face nearly exploded with joy (if only…). Though she was deeply happy and grateful, she nearly swooned with weariness.

"Jack, wouldst thou escort me to mine own coz's home? I grow weary," she pleaded.

"Of course, love!" he said without hesitation, his concern for his lack of money promptly forgotten at the sound of Zerlina's voice. The two made their way to the Swann Manor. As the reached the front doorstep, they paused and clasped hands.

"I had a most wonderful time with thee, fair Jack Sparrow," Zerlina said.

"I did too." The two both moved towards each other, their eyes fluttering shut. Suddenly, the oak doors were flung open.

"COME ON STEPHIE!" Cicada hollered back into the house. "WE'RE GONNA BE—" She stopped when she saw the two adult-types standing on the stoop.

"S-Sir Cidao!" Zerlina cried with surprise. Cicada gritted her teeth at being called the wrong name and brandished her ultimate weapon – The Glare of Certain Death and Dismemberment. Even though the glower came from such a small person, Zerlina could not help but quail under the evil glare and she nearly wet herself. Stephie came rushing to the door, worrying about the sudden silence coming from Cicada. It usually meant someone was going to die soon.

"Whazza madda, Cicada? I was just putting the jam back into his—"Stephie saw the two on the doorstep and stopped abruptly. Her facial expression transformed from pleasant curiosity to horrible flaming anger. Her cry of rage was heard across the island.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She raced forward and shoved Zerlina away from Jack, causing Zerlina to fall into the bushes alongside the house. The threat now vanquished, Stephie turned to the hapless pirate. "JACK!" she cried happily. The pirate cringed. "This is so cool! You're the real Jack! Wait a sec…are you? Or did the real one get away last night?" She lifted an eyebrow, scrutinizing him. _Well, guess there's only one way to know for sure, _she thought.She lunged for Jack, wanting to make sure the tattoo was still there.

"Bloody—" Jack started, but was unable to finish the sentence as Stephie tackled him. "Get off me!" he screeched, fighting against the freakish girl. He finally managed to kick her in the face. Free from her grasp, he leaped up and ran like the devil was chasing him, screaming and flailing his arms. Stephie quickly recovered from her blow to the head and charged after him.

* * *

Cicada and Elizabeth (who had come out to view the bush-entangled Zerlina) came to collect Stephie about half an hour later. Jack had taken refuge on the _Pearl_. Gibbs had kicked away the gangplank after Jack scrambled onto the ship, and was now leaned over the rail of the ship, beating Stephie over the head with an oar, keeping her from climbing up the hull to reach Jack. The rest of the crew was laughing their butts off. 

"Stephie, come on!" Cicada pleaded, yanking at her friend's hair. "You have to leave Jack alone, you freak!" She and Elizabeth tried for quite a while to pull Stephie away, but to no avail. They then tried to bind the stalker, but Stephie somehow managed to struggle her way out of the ropes before they could tie the knot. Gibbs continued beating on the girl with the paddle, hoping to knock her unconscious. But all of their efforts were in vain. Stephie was going to get to Jack somehow, no matter who got in her way. After trying six different tactics to get Stephie away to no end, Cicada had an idea. She dropped the huge crab and rope she had been holding, and dashed off to the Swann mansion. She soon returned, carrying a rolled up piece of paper.

"Hey Stephie! Look at this!" she unfurled the poster. Stephie turned.

"Aragorn!" she yelled happily. Elizabeth and Cicada were then able to lure Stephie away from Jack with the life-size picture of Aragorn.

* * *

Later that night…

Governor Swann was walking down the hall. It had been a trying day. He started to open his bedroom door, ready to just lie down and drift into oblivion when he heard a strange noise. He looked up to see a large bucket of whitewash, which had been perched on his slightly ajar door. It was no longer perching. It flew down and the whitewashic contents poured out upon the Governor, completely drenching him. Cicada, from behind the potted fern unwisely let out a sheepish "Oops…" The Governor spun around, and quickly spotted Stephie and Cicada, who were "hiding".

"You DUNCE, CICADA! YOU HAD US PUT THE BUCKET ABOVE THE WRONG DOOR!" Stephie yelled accusingly. The livid governor sputtered as the whitewash dripped down his face.

"Shoot him!" he bellowed. The girls realized they had been seen and jumped out from behind the potted fern, their not-so-faithful hiding place. "Hang him!" The two camouflage-clad girls ran for their lives.

"Cicada you idiot, you told me you were sure that was Zerlina's room! When I catch you I'm gonna…" Stephie shrieked as she ran.

"Mercy! Have mercy!" Cicada cried.

* * *

+ (It should be noted that in an alternate universe Will DID die at this point, due to a freak chicken bone accident) 

Cicada (burnt to a crisp) Well, that was exciting, no? No! I finally got Minion under control.

Minion (tied and gagged in a tiny room in the Antarctic)

Cicada Just in time for the ending author's note. So here it is. Take it away, Stephie.

Stephie Hey cool! I get to take something away from you! You usually make me give you stuff. But now I get it! Haha! So, I get to talk now?

Cicada (sarcastically) No, Stephie, you don't.

Stephie Too late! I already took it! And I won't let you talk anymore, either!

Cicada (shrugs and doesn't care)

Stephie Well, I can't think of anything to say. Goodbye.

Cicada You're pathetic, you know that right?

Stephie I said goodbye! That means I'm not gonna talk! That also means I'm not gonna answer you! Wait a minute…I'm talking, aren't I? (sigh) Oh well. Goodbye!

Cicada That means you leave. NOW! (glares glare of Certain Death and Dismemberment)


	7. The Silver Lining

**A/N 1: **I have to go to the bathroom! Er, um…hi! Don't worry, I don't really have to go to the bathroom. I just thought…um…never mind. Can you believe it? We finally updated! Oh yeah, oh yeah! Um…yeah…Hey, just to warn you, if blood and gore make you queasy, you might want to just skip the beginning of this chapter. It's fairly…graphic. So beware. Oh yes, before I go, I just want to apologize for a certain Author's Note…my last one was, well, um, uncalled for. I'm so sorry reviewers! Please don't leave me! I love you! (whoa, Soap flashbacks) Well, anyways, enjoy and please review!

**A/N B: **Cicada: I have returned! I, Cicada the glorious. All shall love me and despair! Or you can just despair. I don't mind. You can choose. I sent Minion and robot drones to destroy Carole the Guitar, my arch nemesis, so you probably won't hear from him. Unless he fails…How great my wrath shall be if he fails. But he won't. Oh…I hate you Carole. Swift shall be my revenge! You can learn more about Carole at and help me defeat her by donating chinchillas to my "Help Cicada Destroy Carole the Guitar in An Elaborate Plan That Involves Chinchillas" fund. To the FIC!

**Disclaimer: **This disclaimer is meant to be sung to the tune of "12 Days of Christmas," in the spirit of Christmas, during which we went to court.

On the list of stuff that the lawyers didn't give us: Twelve sweaty pirates, eleven drowning Hispanics, ten monstrous cannons, nine bottles of rum, eight dirty hoe-bags, seven flying mudballs, six walkers swimming, five gaping wounds! four-legged women, three eggheads, two drool drops, and Aragorn and his sword too!

Note on Disclaimer: It should be noted that this disclaimer _was _highly inaccurate. We, at one point, _did_ own eleven drowning Hispanics, but the lawyers took them away on charges of cruelty to Hispanics. We also owned seven flying mudballs, four-legged women, three eggheads (ourselves and Minion), and the drool. The lawyers took them all away because they are mean. Well, they took everything but us. They tried very hard to take us away, but we ar two clever! We got away, but the little incident is how we came into possession of the five gaping wounds. They lawyers let us keep those…but we wish they hadn't. So…(sniff) yeah. Whaaaaaaah (sobs uncontrollably)

**Chapter Seven : The Silver Lining**

_La Rubia Diabla's_ bow broke through another twenty foot wave. The wind buffeted the sailors about as if they were mere rag dolls. Sheet after sheet of rain sliced through their clothes and stung their flesh like icy needles. Lightning danced above their heads like a destructive ballerina dancer of doom. Thunder was its glorious symphony.

"Capitán, yo no seguro cómo mucho más la barco lata tomar!" (Captain, I'm not sure how much the ship can take!) Alonzo, the first mate (and a very average man) cried out with average desperation. Captain Pedro, stationed at the wheel, sighed wearily. Concern for his ship and his crew marred his already hideous features. He appeared to contemplate his first mate's query (it was hard to discern any emotion or facial expression from his heavily scarred face), and then shouted over the din of the storm, "Aumento lona! Y alumbrar la barco!" (Raise canvas! And lighten the ship!)

"Sí, Capitán!" (Aye, Captain!) Alonzo shouted with mild enthusiasm; he turned to the rest of the crew with average speed and shouted mildly, "Ustedes oiga la Capitán! Cualquier cosa nosotros lata permitirse perder, ver ese lo es perdido." (You heard the Captain! Anything we can afford to lose, see that it's lost.) The crew, which consisted of 11 Hispanics (including Alonzo and excluding Captain Pedro (FYI, he's also Hispanic)), and one Cretin (from Crete), hurried to carry out the Captain's bidding. Cannons were unharnessed and heaved over the railing, crates of textiles, sugar cane, and booze were hoisted overboard as the ship's drunkard wept with bitter sorrow, and lastly the chickens and the women were thrown screaming and clucking into the boiling sea. But despite the crew's valiant efforts, _La Rubia Diabla _could not escape the growing waves and its inevitable watery doom. A twenty-five foot wave fell hard on _La Rubia Diabla _and began the ship on its watery descent into Davey Jones' locker. The one Cretin and a Hispanic came sputtering up from below deck.

"La barco, Capitán! Lo es hundimiento!" (The ship, Captain! It's sinking!) The Cretin screeched. Pedro acknowledged the Cretin's cry with a simple nod. He then turned his single eye up in dismay as he saw another gigantic wave rapidly approaching _La Rubia Diabla. No otro _(_Not another_), he thought in painful shock.

"Otro ola! Preparar por impacto!" (Another wave! Prepare yourselves for impact!) he bellowed to his generally faithful crew. He himself grabbed a length of rope and tied himself to the wheel.

"Agarre en, _Poco Ojo_! Yo deber no perder tú como bien!" (Hold on _Poco Ojo_! I shan't lose you as well!) he screamed into the night, suddenly grasping at his single eye.

"No de nuevo…" (Not again…) Alonzo muttered averagely, noting his Captain's odd behavior. The Cretin's scream was suddenly the only noise heard as the wave descended on the ship, plunging it down, down, down…The crew lost all hope of surviving the ordeal when suddenly the ship was thrown violently by another huge wave onto a coral reef that lay hidden beneath the waves. The jolt splintered the already weakened merchant ship in an explosion of men and wood. Two Hispanics were thrown from the deck and cast into the wild sea, never to be seen again. The Cretin was impaled on a stray piece of wood that had been dislodged from the ship. He screamed out in pain and horror as he looked down and saw the piece of wood that was once part of the mast protruding from his belly. Another wave pushed him off the quickly sinking deck and into the waiting maw of a nearby hammerhead shark. The last thing the Cretin saw was the shark's glimmering white teeth, thirsty for the blood that was already spilling from its victim's stomach into the salty ocean water. The jaws of the creature clamped onto the helpless man's leg and pulled him into the blue depths, where he was ripped apart and eaten…alive.

The rest of the crew, bobbing about on whatever was available--besides the shark--(pieces of wood, other crew members, the few crates that had not been dumped overboard), watched in horror as their fellow mate was pulled down to his bloody demise. Captain Pedro, still lashed to the wheel of the quickly submerging ship felt his lungs scream for air. He panicked, and tried desperately to unfasten the rope which he had, only minutes ago, knotted with the preciseness and tightness that only an experienced sailor is capable of attaining. He fought and thrashed, and just as he found himself about to suck in water instead of the precious air he craved, the wheel broke free of the ship, and floated to the surface. Pedro saw flashes of color before his eyes, and then he suddenly surfaced from the salty brine. He pulled his head from the water and gasped for air, then frantically felt about his face for his precious eye. "_Poco Ojo, _eres todavía con yo, mi amigo," (_Poco ojo, _you are still with me, my friend) he panted with relief. After several minutes of pulling in great quantities of oxygen, Pedro began to asses the situation. They were all going to die. OK, that was good. Next step, find a course of action that might result in the saving of their lives. His single eye wandered about the hopeless scene, taking in the ragged, soaked, and weary crew floating a few feet from him, the bloody spot where he guessed a crew member had been moments before, and then…an island! Not a hundred meters away, a glorious tropical paradise rose from the ocean floor, promising salvation.

"Alonzo…" he croaked weakly, raising his hand and gesturing toward the isle. Alonzo turned to his captain with an averagely weary air about him. His eyes followed Pedro's finger, which pointed to hope.

* * *

In another part of the Caribbean Sea it was also raining heavily, but unlike the hapless sailors of _La Rubia Diabla, _the two caught in the downpour were quite enjoying themselves. Cicada ducked as Stephie lobbed a softball-sized mudball at her formerly fuzzy-haired head (it actually looked semi-normal when it was wet). Cicada, finding cover behind a barrel of rainwater, retaliated with her own mudball, but her aim was off by a couple of feet and instead of hitting Stephie, she caught an innocent man full in the face. The man, perhaps, might've let this act slide, except for two important factors. The first was that he was not the only person to be clobbered by a poorly-aimed mudball. He was, in fact, the seventh. The second, perhaps more important reason this man found he could not let this deed go unpunished was the fact that he was Governor Swann, and a certain white-wash incident was still fresh in his mind (and in his hair). The only question in the Governor's mind now was _how _to punish the mud-throwing miscreants. _A night in jail, perhaps two, _he thought, wiping the mud from his face. He grinned manically at the idea. But then his reasoning took over. _Perhaps that _is_ a bit harsh, considering the juvenile offense,_ he thought. But, as he mulled over his options, he watched as a rather large woman received a rather large mudball to her rather large stomach. The woman shouted loudly and angrily at the two fiends about "respecting other people". _But I believe it is necessary, _he decided. He began to advance toward the two girls and fat woman, malevolent grin still in place. As he walked up he attempted to call the several guards that were nearby to help him contain the two twerps but he, of course, failed miserably. All that came out was, "Commodore Norrington, as he's about to become! " but he valiantly continued to try and speak the words that would bring the guards to his aid. Stephie suddenly noticed his approaching figure, and tried desperately to notify Cicada, who had taken a mudball to the face and had retaliated by throwing mudballs around blindly (hence the fat woman being pegged). Stephie had been getting annoyed by the fat woman's speech, and now that the prospect of getting punished, injured, or in some way harmed by Governor Swann had presented itself, she decided it best to simply leave the scene. No time to spare - at least in her mind - Stephie grabbed the still incapacitated Cicada and began to drag her off to the place where they could hide and wait for the storm of the Governor and fat woman's anger to blow over -- the dock where the _Black Pearl_ was harbored. The fact that that was where Jack would probably be was merely a coincidence (yeah right). While the Governor continued to try and form words and the fat woman continued to rant (not noticing the mute and frustrated Governor beside her), Stephie and Cicada slipped away to the pier.

"I think we're safe," Stephie declared, peering out from under the overturned boat she and Cicada had hidden beneath. With one more cautionary glance out, Stephie yanked Cicada out from under the boat and thrust her friend towards the ocean water, where Cicada was able to clean the mud from her eyes.

* * *

I waded out into the shallows to wash out of my eyes the mud that was currently impairing my vision. A million thoughts ran through my head, mostly along the lines of "mud in the eyes hurts", "I'm gonna invent a mud-throwing machine", and "cheese is tasty." As I used the salty water to wash out the filth, I learned something new: sea water is disgustingly filthy and it also hurts the eyes. As soon as the mud was gone, I lifted my head from the water and began splashing, mainly because I enjoy swimming in the rain. As my still blurry eyes slowly unblurred, I suddenly noticed, in the distance, a single extremely improbable cloud of fog that seemed to be moving towards the shore. As I watched, the cloud began to dissolve to reveal seven swimming silhouettes (alliterations are awesome). As they got closer I was finally able to discern their figures. There was a stout being…four creatures with mops of curly hair…and two humans with stubbly beards. The arch-angels in my head trumpeted a merry tune and then broke into a victorious "Hallelujah Chorus". It was the Fellowship of the Ring in all of their half-drowned glory! (sans Legolas and Gandalf, but still!) I tried to show my comrade Stephie the living (sexy) miracle that had appeared before my very eyes, but she was busy searching for a way onto the _Pearl_ and ultimately to Jack.

* * *

"Stephie!" Cicada whispered frantically. Stephie, however, was rather preoccupied at the moment; having found an old oar buried in the sand, and was trying to use it was a ladder to reach the deck of the _Pearl_. "Stephie!" Cicada said again, her whisper becoming a suppressed yell.

"What?" Stephie hissed, tearing herself from her current activity to see what her friends so desperately need to tell her. She turned to Cicada, but her eyes quickly bypassed her fellow cretin.

"The Fellowship!" Stephie squeaked, her jaw dropping. "ARAGORN!" she screeched, dropping her oar and plunging into the ocean water and shoving past Cicada to reach her crush. Aragorn, who was currently trying to swim and also keep Frodo and Sam's heads above the water, looked up as he saw a girl he most certainly didn't recognize come toward him screaming his name. As the strange girl swam out towards him, her intent clearly sinister, the other came up swiftly behind the first and subdued her in a spectacular flying tackle. While the two struggled, Aragorn finally reached and managed to maneuver Frodo, Sam and himself onto the dock. Boromir, along with Pippin, arrived soon after; Merry (the only swimming hobbit) and Gimli, who Merry had to constantly remind to keep kicking, passed the dock and made it onto the beach where they promptly flopped down to rest.

"A-Ar-Aragorn!" Stephie drooled, struggling against Cicada's restraining arms. "Letgo! Must…get…to Aragorn!"

"NEVER!" Cicada was not quite sure why she objected, she just knew that no good would come if Stephie got near Aragorn. But, despite Cicada's vice-like grip, Stephie somehow managed to squirm away. "You shall NOT PASS!" Cicada roared, throwing herself betwixt Stephie and Aragorn. She reached down into the water, searching for something to stop Stephie's advance on Aragorn, and pulled up…a small octopus. She gave the octopus a confused glance, shrugged, and chucked the thing at Stephie face, where it stuck fast. "I win!" Cicada howled triumphantly. Stephie plunged around, flailed and flopped, trying to get the eight-legged freak off her face. The cephalopod clung on as it was sent on the ride of its life.

Boromir, still panting from his long swim, watched the…battle(?) for a while with the frightened amusement. He then looked around and noticed the entire Fellowship also watching in rapt attention. The…battle(?) raged on for a full twenty minutes until the girl finally managed to wrench the frightened creature from her face. Suction cup marks riddled her face like a pox, and the shorter girl, Merry and Pippin all clutched their stomachs and fell down laughing hysterically. The laughing girl, however, when she fell, fell into water and came up sputtering and spitting water moments later.

After the laughter subsided, Frodo used this opportunity to ask (though not expecting a very intelligent answer) the two seemingly insane beings where on Middle Earth they were.

"Excuse me?" he asked, but he was ignored by the girls, who had, in the few seconds it had taken Frodo to decided to speak, engaged in a pitch-whatever-you-can-get-your-hands-on fight. "Pardon me!" Still no answer. "HEY!" he screamed in a very un-Frodo like display of anger. Both girls froze, Stephie holding a large rock and Cicada dropping a clam.

"Yes?" Cicada asked cheerily (she gets happy when yelled at - weird home life).

"Can you please tell us where we are?" he asked, his calm demeanor returning.

"We're in Port Royal!" Cicada answered, odd grin still in place. Boromir came to the aid of his diminutive friend.

"And where _is_ Port Royal?" he said, his voice tinged with slight annoyance.

"It's in the Caribbean!" Cicada answered, eyes glowing with amusement. Boromir sighed. It seemed futile to try and get and useful information from the mollusk-wielding girl. He then turned to her companion who, he hoped, was smarter than the other girl.

"Can you, perhaps, shed more light on our location than your…friend?" he asked. But the girl merely stared blankly at Aragorn (and drooled). Aragorn had been watching the poor stricken girl throughout the conversation between the clam-girl, Frodo, and Boromir and had had the idea that perhaps the drooling girl might respond if _he_ was the one who asked her questions. Her reaction (or lack thereof) to Boromir gave weight to his theory, and he decided give it a whirl and ask the girl himself. He turned his piercing blue eyes toward Stephie and said, "Where are we?" Stephie's jaw dropped. _Did he just look at me? Heck, did he just _say _something to me!_ She was so caught up in wonder that Aragorn's question didn't even register in her small mind at first. Despite the rather stupid look on the girl's face, Aragorn decided she would eventually answer once the question finally sunk in. He didn't know how long that would take, so he prepared himself to wait. Boromir stifled a sudden urge to wade over to the girl and slap her dumb-looking face.

Stephie's lips finally began to move. "We're…in…Port Royal," she managed. Aragorn sighed.

"We've established that! But where _is_ Port Royal?" Boromir demanded, losing patience. At Boromir's slightly harsh words Stephie's brain finally woke from its fangirlish malfunction.

"We're in the Caribbean," she said, a small giggle following her words as the realized that was _not_ they wanted to hear. "It's on Earth. Not Middle Earth, mind you. I don't know exactly how to explain it but, eh, well, you're kinda far from home…" she trailed off, not knowing what to say next. "But we don't mind you being here at all! Do we, Cicada?" she said hurriedly, glancing over at her friend.

"Hey! You're dead!" Cicada shouted, pointing to Boromir. A look of aggravation flitted across his face.

"Yes, thank you for pointing that out," he sneered sarcastically.

"As a matter of fact, we all are, or were," Aragorn said quickly, hoping to still Boromir's sarcasm. Pippin suddenly butted in. "I don't know exactly how it happened, but one minute we were dead and well, _being_ happily in the Halls of Ma…Macrons…Marfes?" he looked over to Merry for help.

"Mandos, Pip," Merry reminded him.

"Right, Mandos. Then the next we know we're above the water and falling!" he exclaimed, his eyes and hands animating the tale. The rest of the hobbits nodded in agreement and Cicada looked unnaturally interested. She pulled a perfectly dry notebook seemingly out of nowhere and began writing furiously with Jorge, her pencil/weapon.

"Oh!" she cried at last. "It all makes sense now!" A look of true understanding crossed her face.

"What makes sense?" Stephie asked, her pride protesting slightly at having to ask her friend for an explanation.

"Well," Cicada began, "The pirates' curse from Pirates of the Caribbean time make the pirates living, yet not living. Undead, if you will. In order for such an occurrence to…occur, there must be a direct link to the land of the spirits of the dead (i.e., the Halls of Mandos). I believe that there is a link between the two worlds -- Earth and Middle Earth -- that allows them to "share" an underworld, although it would be more accurate to say Pirates of the Caribbean mooches off Lord of the Rings. Anyways, when the Pirates' Curse began, a sort of hole would appear in the Halls of Mandos, due to the straddling of the border between life and death that occurs when the Curse is active. The hole might also act as a sort of vacuum. The hole would have been open since that last scene in Pirates of the Caribbean, which was…well, actually I'm not sure how long ago that was here. Hm…" She began to recalculate her theory in head and concluded, "I need more research!" She looked around at the confused face about her and added a sheepish, "At least that's _one_ way of looking at it, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Yeah. Okay."

Stephie was, needless to say, caught off-guard by her friend's display of understanding and wisdom (glorious!), and simply stood and stared in wonder and confusion at her friend.

"Oh," Pippin finally said. A lengthy pause followed his words as the Fellowship contemplated this idea. Suddenly Gimli spoke up. "Well, since we now know -- sort of -- where we are and how we got here, what do you think we should do?" he inquired, addressing the seven members of the Fellowship.

"I know! I know! Pick ME!" Cicada cried, returning to her old self and making a spectacle of herself. She bounced with her hand raised in the air, waving it wildly while yelling over and over for a few minutes. "You can stay with US! I'm sure Elizabeth and Will won't mind!" Boromir appeared apprehensive at the proposition, but Aragorn (their unofficial leader), after a few moments of intense consideration, decided it was the best (and only) course of action available to them.

"We will go with you," he glanced over at Boromir's worried face, "until…"

"-until we can find other accommodations," Gimli finished for him, also noting Boromir's pained expression.

"Let's go!" Cicada cried, her energy nearly palpable. She pulled herself from the water and onto the dock, and sauntered over to the two men and three hobbits. She hooked arms with Aragorn and Boromir (who had pulled themselves into comfortable sitting positions), yanked them up into upright positions, and skipped off in the general direction of the Swann Manor.

* * *

Hey there! Just a quick note here, we DON'T KNOW SPANISH! Cicada took it in like forth grade or something, but other than that, we have no idea what we are talking about. We used an English-Spanish dictionary on the internet to look up the words, and we weren't sure which forms to use so we kinda guessed. So, if you know Spanish and you are like, "hey, these guys don't know what they are talking about! They are stupid, ignorant fools! A disgrace to the human society!" we will not blame you, and we humbly ask for your forgiveness. For everyone else that doesn't know Spanish, we know exactly what we are talking about and I have taken Spanish for five years and know the correct grammatical form of every Spanish word.

Now. One last note. Boromir. We don't want you guys to get the impression that we hate him and that's why he's so sarcastic. On the contrary! We love Boromir! That's why he's sarcastic! We think it's kinda funny…and really, Cicada and I _are _rather dumb and stupid.

Cicada: What are you talking about, fool? _You _are the one that is dumb and stupid!

Stephie: Sure, whatever. Now, just know that we love Boromir and he's cool and we like him and everything. We are tight with Bor. Oh yeah. (Boromir mashes Stephie on head with blunt part of sword) Ouch! Painful!

Oh yes, ONE more note. I promise you, this is the last! The whole Halls of Mandos thing and life and death stuff that we blathered about are NOT what Cicada and I REALLY believe in REAL life (readers gasp). Really, we don't. Well, Cicada _is _kind of nutcase, but even she doesn't believe all that crap. FYI (isn't that a great acronym?), we believe in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Heaven, and Hell. Yup.


	8. The Curse Lifts

**Author note the first (for a change)**: Cicada: Well, we're back. I'd say I'm excited but… I'm not. I hate you all.

**A/N #2: Stephie (the winner person)**: Uh… I apologize for my cousin. She has a lot of… anger issues. Don't take her seriously. Anyways, aren't you glad we updated?

Cicada: Were all those question marks really necessary?

Stephie: Leave me 'lone. Now, aren't you gla—I think I said that already. So… I can't… think…What's it that Cicada always says? Oh, yeah – um, On To The Fictional Story!

Cicada: (shakes head in shame) Good gravy, you suck at that. Don't do it ever again. (red eye glowyness) EVER. TO THE FIC!

Stephie: Wait! Cicada! It's been so long since we've updated, we should really give the faithful reader(s) a recap of the story. Don't you think? I thought so. So, dear reader(s) (note that I say "dear" nicely, unlike _Cicada _, who always says it with this mean, sarcastic tone of voice), we give you…

:&:&:&:&: A quick recap:&:&:&:&:

Chapter 1: Zerlina the Mary Sue introduced. Jack falls under her diabolical Mary Sue spell.

Chapter 2: Zerlina goes to Swann Manor, is annoying (could you really expect anything more from a Sue?).

Chapter 3: Zerlina and Jack go on Date of Doom. Elizabeth and Will find out Zerlina is a Mary Sue. Both wish exterminators would come. Zerlina almost kisses Jack.

Chapter 4: Stephie and Cicada enter, effectively ruining Jack and Zerlina's date. Stephie rips off Jack's shirt (Stephie: Without sexual intent – aren't you all proud of me! Cicada: Shut up, fool.). Elizabeth invites Stephie and Cicada to stay at the Swann Manor, thinking they are Mary Sue exterminators.

Chapter 5: Breakfast with Zerlina. Plotless.

Chapter 6: Elizabeth tells Stephie and Cicada that Zerlina is a Mary Sue, and asks them to exterminate her. They agree. Date of Doom 2 – Jack battles an old woman over Zerlina's honor. Stephie chases Jack. Governor Swann whitewashed.

Chapter 7: _La Rubia Diabla_ , a ship of Hispanics (and one Cretin) is shipwrecked. Stephie and Cicada have a mudball fight; discover Fellowship of the Ring, and decide to invite them to stay at the Swann Manor. Cicada starts to skip toward the Manor, **while holding Boromir's and _Aragorn's _arms. **(note the bold type)

Stephie: Wow, wasn't that an informative recap? Yeah, I thought so.

**Chapter 8: The Curse Lifts**

Stephie felt a spectrum of emotions tear through her brain. Love. Despair. Anguish. Sorrow. Jealousy. Ever the jealousy. White hot flashes of it stabbed through her mind, scouring it of all else. It burned in her mind, in her heart, in her soul. The white flashes burned brilliantly, becoming so that Stephie could almost see them, almost touch them, as they blinded her, as they consumed her. Suddenly, after the white had threatened to take over her sight permanently, a small black hole formed in the white. It slowly grew, and as it grew, Stephie began to discern the familiar shapes and figures once more, and then – the object of her all-consuming jealousy. She stood rooted to the spot as she watched Cicada prance toward the Swann mansion, her arm hooked around Boromir's arm – and also…Aragorn's. Stephie felt her anger and despair boil inside of her, pouring through her entire body and ramming again and again into her skull, trying harder and harder to escape, but finding not way out. But, suddlenly, an outlet was found. Stephie turned her brown-eyed gaze from her crush to the four small hobbits that had, by now, gotten up and were following Cicada's lead. _The apple of Cicada's eye, _Stephie thought, a foul plan quickly forming in her mind. She broke into a jog, easily catching up with the four short-legged beings.

"Hey!" she said, grabbing the _Pheriannath_ 's attention. "I have a little game for you to play." The hobbits looked apprehensive, but listed to Stephie ramble nonetheless. "I have a big, fat mushroom in my pocket. First one to find it, get to ea—" Merry, Pippin, and Sam wasted no time in tackling Stephie and searching through her pockets in a frenzy. "Hey Cicada!" Stephie yelled. Cicada whipped around, flinging Aragorn and Boromir around quite violently. Now that she had Cicada's attention, Stephie grabbed a random hobbit (Merry) and gave him a great big bear hug, hoping to spark some jealous reaction from her friend. "They love me , Cicada!" Stephie yelled, overemphasizing the word "me". But Cicada only grinned.

"Good job, man!" she yelled, flashing a thumbs-up. Stephie frowned. She had forgotten that this was _Cicada_ she was trying to derive a normal emotion from. _Crap. _The hobbits, after thoroughly searching Stephie, suddenly realized that there were no mushrooms to be had. Their merry faces turned grim. Stephie quickly noted this change of emotion, and tried to smooth over the hobbits' quickly building anger.

"Eheh, I must've dropped the mushroom. It must have fallen in that bush, over there!" she declared, pointed to a small shrub. Pippin started towared the bush, but was held back by Merry's hand on his shoulder.

"There isn't a mushroom in the bush, Pip. There isn't any mushroom at all," Merry said, looking hard at Stephie. Stephie swallowed.

"Well, um, isn't that odd now," she said. "I could've sworn I had—" she was abruptly cut off as the three indignant hobbits sprang at her in all of their righteous fury. Stephie whimpered piteously for mercy as the hobbits rained down brutal (or so they seemed to her) blows on her person. Stephie thought she was going to pass out from the overwhelming pain (glorious!), when she noticed a forth figure approaching the small group of Stephie-beaters. She cringed, waiting for who she thought was Frodo's fists to join in the inhuman beating. But in actually, 'twas Gimli, come to peel the ruffians from the beleaguered girl's prone body.

During this ordeal, Aragorn had managed to wrench his arm from Cicada's clinging grasp and had begun to backtrack to try to still the hobbit/human brawl. Boromir would've followed Aragorn, but, alas, it was not meant to be. Cicada, her other arm now free, was able to focus her unholy strength solely on Boromir. He didn't have a chance.

Aragorn warily approached the raving band of miscreant of doom of Port Royale, of the Island of Jamaica, of the Caribbean Sea, of the western hemisphere, of the planet earth, of the solar system, of the Milky Way galaxy… (well, you get the picture) that consisted of Merry, Pippin, Sam, Stephie, and also Gimli, Frodo, and a seagull, all of which had been pulled in against their wills.

"Gentlemen!" Aragorn shouted. He waited a moment for a pause or some sort of reaction from the group, but as he received none (except from the seagull, who crapped on Stephie's head and flew away), he bravely plowed into the midst of the battle and roughly grabbed Stephie, who he believed to be the cause of the fight. He easily hoisted the 15-year-old, and pitched her from the heat of the fight, and over to Boromir, where she landed on her butt and promptly passed out. "Boromir! Keep an eye on her while I calm the rest!"

"Sure, no problem, Aragorn," Boromir answered sarcastically from his place on the ground where he had been so unceremoniously knocked down by an obsessive Cicada. She had let go of his arm just long enough for him to begin walking away, and then she had grabbed both of his legs so violently that Boromir had lost his balance and fallen, face first, into the wet earth. Hard. So hard, in fact, that his face easily penetrated the top layer of mud and then slammed into the still-hard layer of dirt that hadn't succumbed to the softening fingers of the afternoon's rain. Boromir felt he had hit bedrock. He slowly pulled his face from the mire, turned his head and spat out a good amount of mud, a few stray blades of grass, and a pebble. He pushed himself up off the ground, and began to stand, only to be knocked back into the much and have the wind knocked out of him as Cicada transferred herself joltingly from his legs to his back. Cicada made herself comfortable in the small of Boromir's back, shoving his shield up his back to make room for her legs. The shield collided with Boromir's skull just as he had successfully managed to pull his head from the ground a second time. His head once again mashed into the prut that was beginning to have a stunningly clear imprint of his facial features. The former captain of the armies of Gondor and ex-heir to the stewardship of the Tower groaned despite himself, wretched his face from the smut – again –, and rubbed his nearly-broken nose. He gritted his teeth against the pain, took a deep breath (or as deep as he could with Cicada's weight on his back severely limiting his lung capacity), and forced himself up off the ground, dumping Cicada off in the process. Cicada quickly recovered from the impact and didn't hesitate a moment before latching herself, once again, to Boromir's leg. Boromir, filled with righteous agitation, nearly clouted Cicada's head with a blow that would have knocked her even more senseless than she already was, but he somehow managed to contain his anger. Instead, he began to attempt prying Cicada from himself without cause her any bodily harm.

Despite the fact that Aragorn had removed the cause of the brawl, the five Middle-Earthean beings continued to fight without motive. The king of Gondor quickly analyzed the scene, and concluded that Merry and Pippin had become the main instigators. They appeared now to be fighting for the fun of fighting, instead of for the purpose of disciplining a deceitful 15-year-old. He dexterously separated the dynamic duo from Sam, Frodo, and Gimli. The fray almost magically subsided -- his suspicions had been correct. _They are still the same mischievous hobbits I met at the Prancing Pony_, he thought, smiling to himself. This accomplished, Aragorn walked over to and crouched by the deathly-still body of Stephie. Aragorn furrowed his brow. He had been certain to throw her so that she would land on her posterior, and even if he had accidentally hurled her so that she landed on her head, he could find no evidence that would support that possibility – her head appeared to be in fine condition, as did her neck and back. What Aragorn didn't know, however, was that Stephie was very sensitive to any sort of pain, and she was also inclined to overreacting when some did happen to be dealt her. After quickly checking her pulse and breathing, and double checking for any head wounds, Aragorn rocked back on his heels and pondered her unresponsive state.

"Stephie," he called softly. Stephie's eyes flew open and she sprang up in an amazing burst of kinetic energy, screaming madly, "ANDURIL!" Despite the fact that Aragorn was not prone to being easily surprised or startled, he was still caught off-guard by the sheer force of Stephie's awakening and fell back in surprise onto his buttocks+. He quickly recovered his broken shards of dignity and waited until Stephie's mad cackles stopped. "Will you lead us?" Stephie barely stopped the urge to say, "I would lead you to the ends of the earth if you wished, _Aglaradan_," and instead nodded furiously. The two humans got up and swiftly made their way to a scene that was quickly becoming chaotic. Boromir had yet to pry Cicada from his left leg (though not for want of trying). Upon seeing his desperate situation, the four hobbits and dwarf had come to Boromir's aid but to no avail. Cicada would not be removed. As Aragorn and Stephie approached, Pippin left the group and ran off in search of a lever of some sort, pausing to give Stephie a good hard glare on his way. It took him only a few moments to find an old oar (the same oar Stephie had previously used to try to board the _Pearl_ ), and start running back. In those few moments, however, Cicada noticed the imprint of Boromir's face in the mud, and was soon bedazzled by it. She began to gather stones to place around it, but alas, in Pippin's haste to bring back the oar he tripped over a tree root and fell into the imprint, completely ruining it. Cicada wailed sorrowfully, the howl echoing to all ends of the island, and about five miles out to sea.

Boromir, in his delirious, slightly-concussed state, finally registering that Cicada had let go of his leg, started to dance merrily. However, due to his aforementioned concussion, he lost his balance and would have fallen over if not for Aragorn's steady arm swiftly placed on his shoulder (NOT A SLASH! NEVER A SLASH!). Aragorn cleared his throat rather loudly, obtaining everyone's attention (with the exception of Cicada, who was still quietly sobbing to herself over the untimely demise of Boromir's glorious face imprint).

"Stephie, if you will…" Aragorn addressed Stephie, gesturing to the path ahead of them.

"If it pleases you, _Beleg Hir_," she cried. Aragorn winced slightly at the horrendous mispronunciation of the elvish words.

The small party began up the path, Stephie leading the way, Aragorn, helping a stumbling Boromir, and the hobbits following along. Gimli took it upon himself to wrench the unwilling Cicada from the ruined imprint she had loved so dearly. This accomplished, he threw her over his shoulder, and joined the group that was _finally _on their way to the Swann manor.

THE END. FOREVER.

(of this chapter anyway)

buttock(s) - early manuscripts do not contain the _s_.

_Aglaradan_– Man of Glory

_Beleg Hir _– Mighty lord

Cicada: So, there it was. Another chapter in the pathetic story that will shame me for years to come. You may have noticed that this time we didn't apologize for the lateness of the update. You also should have noticed that you're a loser. Well, we didn't apologize because we don't care about you or your smelly feelings. Now go away.

Minion: Why are you so angry, Cicada? I mean, more than usual…

Cicada: (muttering) How'd you get out… (normal tone) I'm angry because these _morons _are the reason my attack on Carol was a complete failure (refer to chapter 7 for more information on Cicada's plot to destroy Carol the guitar with chinchillas)! If I'd only had more Chinchillas! Because of _them _I lost over half my forces! And all because these losers are too stingy with their CHINCHILLAS! (twitches) Fetch me my flaming sword.

Minion: I'm not sure that's a good id—

Cicada: (low, dangerous voice red eye glowyness) _NOW_.

Stephie: (dons fireproof suit) The insanity…

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fits of intense impatience and violence

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underappreciation of the hot main character

memory loss

general out-of-characterness

anal leakage

These effects vary from mild to extreme. Contact your doctor if they become prolonged and horrifying. Mary Sue curses are not for everyone. Talk to your doctor about Mary Sue curses – today.


	9. OK, We Lied

**A/N #1:** Cicada: Ya know what? I feel happy!

Stephie: H…Happy? (raises eyebrows)

Cicada: Yeah! Minion made me a drink this morning and now I feel great!

Minion: (holds empty bottle of Vicodin behind back) Hey Cicada, can I have a raise?

Cicada: Of course you can, little buddy! I looooove j00! Lolz!1 (runs off into the sunset)

**A/N von Stephie: **Um, that was creepy… Anyways, on a more lucid note, we're back! Ooh, I need to quick mention a few revisions to the story. First, in chapter one, I added a little blip about where Norrington has been this whole time (it shouldn't be too hard to find; that chapter's short). He's going to show up in this story…sometime. OK, the other things are just little changes…in chapter 4, I switched the location of Jack's tattoo, cause it was wrong, in that same chapter, I cut out the little part about me giggling creepily – it creeped ME out. Oh, and I fixed the jam's flashback in chapter six so that you know what the scream was, and Zerlina says "fools" instead of "wenches", as she believes Cicada to be a boy.

Sorry for the slow update, we've actually been working on this chapter for quite a while it has just been…slow. But now you can all feel blessed by this new and awesome chapter! Since we haven't updated in…(looks it up) six months! Holy crap Cicada, we need to…(looks around for Cicada) …Oh yeah, she ran off into the sunset. Um, anyways, since we haven't updated in forever, we're putting up the plot synopsis for you guys once more. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Zerlina the Mary Sue introduced. Jack falls under her diabolical Mary Sue spell.

Chapter 2: Zerlina goes to Swann Manor, is annoying (could you really expect anything more from a Sue?).

Chapter 3: Zerlina and Jack go on Date of Doom. Elizabeth and Will find out Zerlina is a Mary Sue. Both wish exterminators would come. Zerlina almost kisses Jack.

Chapter 4: Stephie and Cicada enter, effectively ruining Jack and Zerlina's date. Stephie rips off Jack's shirt (Stephie: Without sexual intent – aren't you all proud of me! Cicada: Shut up, fool.). Elizabeth invites Stephie and Cicada to stay at the Swann Manor, thinking they are Mary Sue exterminators.

Chapter 5: Breakfast with Zerlina. Plotless.

Chapter 6: Elizabeth tells Stephie and Cicada that Zerlina is a Mary Sue, and asks them to exterminate her. They agree. Date of Doom 2 – Jack battles an old woman over Zerlina's honor. Stephie chases Jack. Governor Swann whitewashed.

Chapter 7: _La Rubia Diabla_ , a ship of Hispanics (and one Cretin) is shipwrecked. Stephie and Cicada have a mudball fight; discover Fellowship of the Ring, and decide to invite them to stay at the Swann Manor. Cicada starts to skip toward the Manor, while holding Boromir's and _Aragorn's _arms.

Chapter 8: Stephie suffers from a fit of jealousy, Boromir suffers a concussion, Aragorn suffers mispronounced elvish, and the hobbits suffer a horrible mushroom deception. In the end, Stephie and Cicada finally get the Fellowship to the Swann Manor.

**Chapter Nine: OK, We Lied**

The fellowship sat in the foyer of the Swann Manor waiting for their slightly more coherent guide to reappear with an answer from Elizabeth. Aragorn tended to the massively concussed Boromir. Sam and Frodo watched Aragorn interestedly as he went about his ministrations and Cicada sat on the floor in front of Boromir gazing upon his face dreamily (glorious!), occasionally drooling and mumbling his name. Gimli sat a little ways from the small group of hobbits and men, staring at nothing with a strangely elf-like contemplative look on his face. Merry and Pippin were exploring the foyer somewhat noisily while they waited.

"Merry, what do you think this is doing here?" Pippin asked. Merry turned around to see Pippin pulling what looked like half a candelabra out of a vase that was sitting on the floor. Merry stared at the light fixture, then shrugged. Pippin mimicked Merry's shrug, dropped the candlestick back into the vase, and the two cousins went on with their exploration. Suddenly the group of miscellaneous peoples heard a door slam open (how they could tell that it was the door slamming open and not closed, no one knows) and then Stephie came skipping loudly down the stairs with Elizabeth in tow. Stephie's grin stretched from ear to ear as she cried, "Lizzy said you could all STAY!" Elizabeth, however, was far from Stephie's ecstatic feelings.

"I thought you said it was a _couple_ friends!" she cried, her mouth agape. "And don't call me Lizzy," she added sharply.

"Come on, Elizabeth," pleaded Cicada, who had somehow managed to tear herself from Boromir. "They'll help us do our job!" The Fellowship collectively turned to look inquisitively at Cicada, then Stephie, and finally each other. What were the stupid cretins talking about?

Elizabeth seemed indecisive until Stephie added, "At no extra charge!" and both Stephie and Cicada put on their begging faces. Elizabeth took a deep breath and closed her eyes. _It'll help them get rid of Zerlina, it'll help them get rid of Zerlina, _she told herself. She opened her eyes and sighed resignedly.

"They may stay."

From Stephie and Cicada's (glorious!) joy a sprightly two-person two-step emerged. The two idiots sang a nonsense song while they danced, reminding the hobbits of their native pubs and drinking songs. The furry-footed creatures were tempted to join in, but their burning hatred for the not-fuzzy-haired one quickly quenched this desire.

At that moment the front door flew open with a flourish and a burst of radiant light exploded into the room, blinding all who looked upon its glorious visage. The sound of a billion birds singing adoringly caused everyone to plug their ears until the front door slammed shut behind its enterers. When everyone could hear and see again, they saw it was Zerlina, accompanied by her beau, the gentle Jack Sparrow.

"That was an amazing date, Zerlina, my one and only lurve! I cannot wait until the winds of Fate blow us together once more, my darling!"

"Oh, but why need this beautiful moment end? Let us traverse back into town in each other's wonderful company. For what is better than one date, but two?"

Elizabeth took several steps back and grabbed a conveniently-located firepoker (of doom) to ward off her cousin should she come too near. Stephie shook in horrible rage when she saw Jack and Zerlina together. Then remembering the other object of her unsurpassed devotion, she jerked her head over to Aragorn. Then back to Jack, then back to Aragorn. Jack. Aragorn. Jack! Aragorn! JACK! ARAGORN!111!one!eleven!1111. Watching silently, Cicada made a secret bet with herself on whether or not Stephie head would become airborne. _Five bucks it goes out the window, _she wagered to herself. _Accepted, but you better pay up…or else, _she threatened herself.

The sadly flickering lightbulb that resided in Stephie's head made a sad, nay, pathetic attempt to shine (glorious!). _ZZzzt…ZzzzT….PING! _the light flashed on. "We'll come _with _you!" she cried to Jack, gesturing to herself, the psychotically-mumbling Cicada, and the Fellowship (well, at Aragorn, anyway). Zerlina looked apprehensive but Jack broke out into a HUGE, nay, GINORMOUS grin.

"Of course you can come!" he said jovially. The hobbits grinned eagerly, dreaming of the food they could hopefully procure in this brave new world. They, as well as Cicada (who hadn't really been listening, but wanted to hang with her newfound eating buddies) quickly (and loudly) agreed. Aragorn hesitated. He was uneasy with the idea of leaving an injured comrade. His Ranger exploratory instincts fought hard against his inner healer. At that critical moment, Will came prancing down the front steps like a faggy elf named Legolas(+). With elf-like speed Will noticed that Boromir's right pupil was immense compared to his left. "Concussion?" he asked, already knowing the answer. He shuddered as he remembered a recent accident (an attempted leprechaun-jump a bit too close to the Foyer stairs). Aragorn looked at the newcomer curiously.

"You know something of the art of healing?"

Will shrugged.

"I know enough about concussions," he replied sheepishly (like a sheep!).

After a short (tepid, probably) exchange it was decided that Boromir would be left in the capable hands of sheepy Will and Aragorn and the rest would venture forth into the strange town. As the group began to walk out the door, Cicada suddenly came back to the real world and realized that Boromir wasn't following. She (in a manner much like Stephie's) yanked her head from Boromir to the retreating group. Then she promptly hyper-ventilated and unceremoniously passed out. Hearing the loud, yet slightly hollow thud, Stephie turned to her friend's fallen form. _A perfect chance to prove my awesomenicity _(which is totally a word) _to Aragorn! _And so, with a similar level of unceremony, Stephie grabbed Cicada by the ankles and pulled her out the Manor door.

* * *

Date of Doom Three – Doomiest of Them All (mere mortals, give up all hope)

* * *

Cicada, after having suffered a slight aneurism, woke to find her fellow cretin grunting madly as she tried to pull Cicada along the path outside the Swann Manor. "Stephie, I'm OK! You don't need to pull me anymore!"

"Shut up Cicada! I'm trying to impress Aragorn with my burly muscles!"

Cicada glanced at her friends scrawny arms and laughed herself into unconsciousness. Again. At this moment Aragorn deigned to help the scrawny teenager Stephie pull Cicada along. He thought of simply picking up the unconscious Cicada and carrying her himself, but he thought it might insult Stephie. This reminded him of how he used to treat Eldarion when he was young. The young prince had always been offended if his father tried to help him overmuch. Aragorn decided he would simply assist Stephie in carrying her friend.

Stephie visibly trembled as Aragorn came back to aid her in her struggle. "Ara…Aragorn…" She stared (and drooled) as Aragorn reached down to help her hoist Cicada off the ground. _His hand is like four feet away from me, _she thought, dumbstruck. There was a loud _thunk_ as Stephie dropped Cicada's lower and her right hand lunged out and formed a death grip on Aragorn's wrist. Aragorn blinked in surprise. Stephie stared at the ground, her eyes not meeting the King of Gondor's. But her grip did not lessen. Cicada decided to use this moment to wake from her laughter-induced unconsciousness. She quickly pulled his wrists out of the grip of the shocked ranger and her upper body thwopped most unceremoniously on the ground. She slowly dusted herself off, and then, as if nothing had transpired, moved ahead to walk with the hobbits, leaving poor Aragorn to fend for himself.

* * *

The stroll would have promised to have been a good one were it not for the presence of the "lovely" Zerlina. She annoyed the attached-to-Aragorn Stephie to no end, and Cicada couldn't stay lucid long enough to help Stephie do any nasty pranks. She was far too caught up in the condition of her poor poor Boromir.

Aragorn tried, several times, to shake Stephie's hand from his wrist, but to no avail. He finally found he could stand Stephie's clenching grip if he compared her once more to Eldarion. His son had always wanted to hold his Papa's hand. Of course, Aragorn thought, he had stopped wanting to hold hands by the time he was 9, quite a few years younger than this girl. But perhaps people matured slower in this world.

The thought of Eldarion brought a small smile to Aragorn's face and the deep stab of homesickness. He wanted to go back to Middle Earth and be with his friends! His family! His wife (who is not a horse stealing wench, but a proud elf maiden)! He wondered how long it had been since he had seen his family. He had been in Mandos for how long? Somehow time was very hard to measure in the Namo's Halls. But it felt like forever since he had seen his beloved Arwen. Of course, they had been separated for large quantities of time before, but…It was different in Mandos. In Middle Earth he had been able to control when he was to return to the Evenstar. But in Mandos he had no control over when he would see Arwen again. He let himself relive the last memory he had of her. He had been in the House of the Kings, just about to die, and he remembered Arwen's grey eyes pleading as she cried, "Estel, Estel!" He had kissed her hand then in farewell, and that was the last he had seen of Arwen during his mortal life.

Aragorn blinked, realizing he had stopped in the middle of the street. Stephie still hung by his arm, swaying back and forth to a song inside her head. Aragorn surveyed the scene around him. They had, by now, reached the busy marketplace, filled with the wares of many merchants, buyers, the merchants themselves, and a flock of small children. It was somewhat similar to Minas Tirith, though the peoples' dress and accents were very different.

The townspeople stopped their doings and stared curiously at the group of assorted travelers. There was a guy in full chain mail, and about six midgets by the look of things. The only "normal" people in the party were a girl, who seemed to be afraid to release the chain-mailed one, and two painfully lovey-dovey young people, one of who had recently killed a highly respected matriarch over the quality of his lady's singing.

Aragorn, Gimli and Co. seemed to find it hard to ignore the inquisitive looks, but Jack and Zerlina had no problem at all, as absorbed in each other's company as they were. The lovers, with many an affectionate glance at each other, slowly, savoringly clasped hands.

Aragorn felt Stephie's hand tighten on his arm. He glanced at the teenager, and saw a very disturbing look in her eye. It spoke of great loathing and...

"DEATH!" Aragorn wasn't sure if Stephie had actually screamed it, or if he had just read the words in her eyes. Either way, Stephie abruptly let go of his hand (he rubbed it gingerly) and jumped onto Zerlina's back. "How dare you touch him, you ignorant wench, you!" Cicada, her mind still very much with Boromir, broke from her thoughts long enough to hand Stephie a lead pipe. After several well-aimed swings at Zerlina with the pipe, Jack was suddenly upon Stephie, who was upon Zerlina. The net effect was that Zerlina was smashed. It took several minutes for Aragorn and Gimli ("aided" most annoyingly by four well-meaning hobbits) to disentangle the three humans. When they did, Stephie and Jack were miraculously unhurt. Zerlina was another story. She had suffered one very long scratch on her left forearm. Aragorn frowned when he saw it. There was no way Stephie could have inflicted that wound with a blunt lead pipe. The fact that he thought he had seen Zerlina scraping her own arm against the cobblestone street whilst Stephie and Jack were being separated bolstered his suspicions. But suspicious or not, Jack was convinced that Stephie had nearly killed his "lurve". The brave pirate was just about to engage Stephie in a battle to the death when Zerlina started to cry. "Oh!" Zerlina nearly mewled. "Oh, Jack, it hurts so! Oh what can be done to help my terrible wound!" Jack began looking for a stand that sold some kind of cloth he could use as a bandage.

"Oh, if only some handsome, brave, pirate named Jack Sparrow could perform the age old healing gift! The Kiss of Love!" Still not understanding, Jack wondered what CPR had anything to do with a scratch on the arm. "KISS IT AND MAKE IT FEEL BETTER!" Zerlina roared in absolute frustration (her voice loosing it's grating feminine quality and transforming into something different entirely). Jack, for the first time ever, appeared to be frightened of his love. But all the same, he reached out quickly and kissed Zerlina's bleeding arm (more out of fear than love). "No! The lips!" barked Zerlina. Jack looked bewildered.

"What lips?"

"MINE!"

"What about them?"

"KISS THEM!" Zerlina roared. Needless to say, Jack was not romanced. In fact, Zerlina's sudden outburst momentarily broke him from him trance. The pirate appeared dazed. "Where's the pearl? Where am I? Where's the rum?" Stephie appeared overjoyed at the return of her favorite swashbuckler. But it was not to be. Jack suddenly turned to Zerlina.

"Who is she!" There was a collective sigh, as everyone witnessed Jack's eyes glazing over as he stared at Zerlina's beauty.

Cicada looked at the seemingly hopeless scene and merely shook her head. There was only one thing for this. She looked on the ground and found the largest stone she could pick up. This particular stone, unfortunately, was being used as a wheel stopper for a cart of fruit.

The cart lurched forward and in an instant Zerlina, Jack, Stephie, and three out of four hobbits (Sam being the lucky one out) were buried up to their necks (and above in the case of the hobbits) in various tropical fruits. Seeing the upset fruit on the ground Cicada shook with mad glee. She leapt head-first into the Mountain of Produce and began to suck vampirically upon a papaya. Jack tried heroically to pull Zerlina from the pile of fruit, though his pulls were a bit too vigorous and he ended up yanking Zerlina out of the fruit and into a nearby puddle of mud, and promptly ruining her new purple dress of doom.

Finally satisfied with delicious papaya blood Cicada stood up holding the empty shell of her victim. Then, she began piling all of the papayas in reach into her shirt, sweatshirt, and even into her pants.

"HEY! STOP THAT! THOSE ARE MINE!" the Papaya Man yelled as the others continued to struggle in their papaya prison. And so Cicada ran. She ran until her papayas had all fallen from her. She ran until... her head hit a pole. Looking up blearily (the papaya man having scooped up the ten or so papayas Cicada stolen and gone back to salvage what was left of his fruity wares) she saw a familiar face stapled to the pole. She made a face at it until she realized it wasn't really a face. It was just a picture of a face, and a familiar face at that. She leapt up, squealed and glomped the poster. "BO'SUN!" she cried with the same glee she exhibited with the papayas. Zerlina whipped her head around. "Yes? Did someone say my name?" She paused as everyone looked at her. "I mean... Did someone say the name of a man I don't even know, and most certainly not am?" Foolish Jack and foolisher Cicada were appeased, but the Fellowship (and Stephie) were suspicious. Aragorn, after sending Gimli to help Stephie out of the papaya pile (he didn't want to risk her clamping onto him again), walked over to where Cicada sat and studied the poster (or at least the parts of the poster he could see sticking out from under Cicada's appendages). He stared from Zerlina to the poster, then shrugged. _These Port Royal affairs are not my business, _he decided.

At that moment, Jack was trying to remedy his mistake in throwing Zerlina into the mud pool. He cleverly braced himself on some dry ground, and hoisted Zerlina up. His attempt would have worked, would have brought his "girl" up unscathed (well, mostly. there was still a great deal of mud on her dress), if she had not suddenly pretended to slip and thrown herself into his arms

"Whoa!" Jack yelled, slightly surprised.

"Oh, Jack," she whispered in her ethereal voice. Jack felt a strange desire to push her aside, but then...cerulean eyes...golden hair...He closed his kohl-lined eyes. Their lips were about to meet when…

"PAPAYA!" Cicada screamed, noticing a lone papaya on the ground that the papaya man had missed. In slow motion it seemed she launched herself from ground and flew like a (slightly retarded) crane, arms flapping and screeching "PAPAYA PAPAYA PAPAYA!" Still in slow motion Cicada noticed that Jack and Zerlian were between her and her ultimate goal! This could NOT be tolerated. As Jack and Zerlina's lips moved closer and closer together, Cicada, still flying, grabbed Zerlina by the shoulders and shoved her out of the way. Zerlina spun out of control and landed once again in a mud puddle. Cicada had more luck with her landing, though not by much. STILL in the air she snatched the last papaya flipped over and tried to land on her feet. Instead, she hit the ground gracelessly and went rolling about seven yards before finally coming to a stop, eating the papaya. Zerlina, properly and awesomely foiled by the flying Cicada, sat fuming in the mud pile. She, of course, adopted a fakey-looking "I'm patient and longsuffering e'en when these children plunge me beneath the surface of a scummy and filthy mudpile" smile as Jack looked over at her apologetically. Anyways, everyone was finally removed from mud- and fruitpiles, and rounded up. Finally, the troop of hobbits, men, and woman (yes, yes, and two crackpots) set off down the road once more, all brave and willing to face any and all new obstacles that laid in their path (well, perhaps not. Gimli was wishing he had stayed behind with Boromir, Aragorn was beginning to think along the same lines, and Jack was just very confused about everything, and yet sure of Zerlina at the same time. The only people that seemed happy at the turn of events were Merry and Pippin, and Cicada).

* * *

Boromir lay on the bed in one of the guest rooms at the Swann Manor. He was trying as hard as he could to not under ANY circumstances fall asleep as Aragorn had instructed him, but he was now finding that particularly difficult.

The beginning of Will's tale had been an exciting one. Bandits of the sea, cursed treasures, and the triumph of good over evil brought him back to his childhood, listening to his parents recite to him and his little brother the old tales.

However, after the initial excitement had worn off, Will launched into the long tale about his and Elizabeth's first fight as husband and wife. And then their second. And third, and fourth, and fifth...

They seemed to be a happy couple, (four of their fights so far had been about proper positioning of silverware, nothing too big like mistresses or the like. The fourth had been something about Will hurrying up and finding a place in town to build a house/blacksmith shop of their own so Will wouldn't have to work under someone else's name anymore, and so he and Elizabeth wouldn't have to keep mooching off her father anymore) but MAN were they boring!

Will, on the other hand was having a great time! No one had listened to him like this since... well since about the time Zerlina came to visit. He felt alone! Neglected! Ignored! Finally, he could share his thoughts to another living being without them telling him to "shut up" or flying into a Zerlina killing craze (that last one was mostly his wife).

His father-in-law, whom he was usually in good terms with, wouldn't even speak to him anymore! And when he did, it was in very cryptic sentences that sounded awfully familiar. And so, like a horrific leak that has been jammed up with crappy bathroom caulk for too long, his long unsaid words finally freed themselves upon his poor unwilling victim.

Boromir, having lost interest by the third Will/Elizabeth fight story, blocked Will out and proceeded to replay the day in his head.

He had, as Pippin had put it, been simply "being" in the Halls of Mandos, when he, along with the other six Fellowship members, was sucked through a hole and dumped into this unholy place.

After swimming for hours, he had met two insane cretins, been seriously injured by one, and had finally made it here to this house -- Swann Manor. _Quite a full day_, he decided. So full, he decided he deserved a break. _Just...just a little shut-eye_, he thought. But just as his eyelids were fluttering closed, he realized Will had stopped talking. He opened one eye to see Will staring expectantly back at him. Apparently, he had just asked a question of Boromir.

"Don't you think?" Will questioned.

"Yes, yes, of course," Boromir answered hastily, having no idea what Will was talking about.

Will apparently did not catch on to the inattention of his listener, and then continued talking about fighting with Elizabeth over the placement of a desk in their bedroom.

"She wanted it in a more prominent place, because it had 'sentimental value' to her. When I asked her why it was so special, she finally admitted it was the desk that she had kept the pirate medallion in all those years." Boromir nodded absently, not really paying any attention. But suddenly, the man sat up straight, filled with a sudden burst of insight.

"Will, where did you tell me you got that Medallion from?"

"From my father," Will said slowly, surprised at Boromir's sudden interest. Boromir furrowed his brow.

"Will, tell me everything you know about the medallion and the pirate curse..."

* * *

Jack skipped merrily, his heart as light as a pillow – the lightest pillow to ever grace the shores of Port Royal (which wasn't actually all that comfortable, as it was just a pillowcase and one feather). He was hand-in-hand with Zerlina, who kept yanking him back so she could suspiciously rip down the many wanted posters of Bo'Sun as they went. Jack, naturally, did not notice. The rest had given up caring about Zerlina's odd behavior (except Stephie, of course, who was always suspicious of Zerlina). Instead, the hobbits had interested themselves in stealing apples from the large bag Zerlina had purchased several blocks back.

Cicada would help them between the times when she would gather up and huggle the crumpled up posters of Bo'Sun that Zerlina kept dropping into the gutter.

Stephie tried to join the hobbits once or twice, but since her deception about the mushrooms, the hobbits simply did not trust her.

Anytime she came near, they would give her glares so intense that she would run away and cry in fright.

After the third time she tried and was driven off, she finally gave in and did not try to help the hobbits anymore.

She was dropping to the back of the group, so as to be a safe distance away from the hobbits, when she suddenly noticed Aragorn! She had forgotten momentarily that he was there. Overjoyed, she ran up to him, snatched his arm, and promptly stared at the ground. Aragorn sighed. He had a slight temptation to jerk his arm and so fling Stephie from him, but he set his teeth and patiently let the teenager hang off his arm as he walked.

Gimli was feeling slightly annoyed. Ever since he had been so unceremoniously brought to this Port Royal place, he had experienced nothing but aggravation. First, he had been dropped into the middle of the ocean. It was only through some miraculous intervention by the Valar that the waterlogged Fellowship had managed to find land. And when they did, they had found two very annoying teenagers with it. _Things went downhill from there_, he decided. He had met Jack and Zerlina, two idiotic and annoying lovers. And since said meeting, they had done nothing but blabber foolish lovers' speech. And they were very weird. Why was Zerlina pulling down wanted posters? He wondered idly if that was some sort of lovers' tradition in this world. But beyond and above all that, he missed Legolas (NOT A SLASH! NEVER EVER A SLASH!). In Mandos, he had been allowed to see the elf periodically. But now, he was severed from his best friend, with no known means of getting back. He hoped against hope that the Valar would intervene once more and take him and his fellows back to Mandos, where they belonged. But it did not look like that was going to happen anytime in the near future. He sighed despondently. Looking up at his ridiculous comrades (with the exception of Aragorn, Sam, and Frodo), he decided that he really _should _have stayed with Boromir.

* * *

Zerlina, by now, was getting frustrated with Jack. She had been with him for half a week now, and had so far been unable to seal his fate with her Kiss of Doom. She was sick of hanging around the infatuated pirate and he…er SHE was even more tired of being constantly accosted by that wench Stephie and her…brother, Cidao. She knew she had plenty of time to complete he dastardly deed (well, unless _it _found them and started killing off the crew again) but he – she – wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. Why was he – err, she chosen for this task. It was so humiliating! Then he remembered – er she. _Ah, that was an unfortunate accident, _he, I mean she, pondered. _D+_ _that bloody ring! _He broke himself from – er she, and herself! – from said ponderings and brought herself back to the situation at hand. It was time to STRIKE!

End of his, doh! _HER _POV

* * *

Zerlina sidled up to Jack.

"Oh, my love," she said, the words coming out terribly forced. Jack gazed lovingly back at her. With a sudden burst of evil inspiration, Zerlina grabbed Jack and yanked him into an adjacent alley.

"My…love," Zerlina cooed. She jerked Jack closer to herself. She clamped her slender, milky-white arms around his neck. She and the pirate would not be interrupted, shoved apart, or otherwise. This time she would have him!

Jack was slightly frightened and rather appalled. His chaste Diana had transformed into the ruby-lipped Venus, his goddess of purity exchanged for a cheap goddess of lust and carnal hunger. He winced as he felt Zerlina's pink nails dig into the flesh of his neck. He needed to break free! But still…her cerulean eyes…her svelte figure… He felt himself leaning forward, his lips soon to meet hers in a spectacular, glorious display of the purest love that would show the whole world the true meaning on peace, beauty, and happy!

They were so absorbed in one another that neither lover saw it coming. But even if they hadn't been so absorbed, they wouldn't have seen it coming. Who _could_ have foreseen what was suddenly racing down the alley? It was so...odd. And totally beyond the world of the predictable.

A few loud hoof beats were all the warning that Jack and Zerlina got before a two hundred-pound, scary-looking, one-horned goat came charging toward them. The goat had a huge French roll stuck to its single horn, and an angry baker was chasing after it. As the goat came pounding down the alley, the French loaf stuck on its horn caught the two cretins behind the knees, upending and sending them flying.

The one-horned goat, with nary a look back, charged onward, bread and all, into an adjacent street. The enraged baker followed close behind, screaming "Dang you, Charlise, you one-horned goat, you!" as he and the thieving goat disappeared around the corner.

Jack and Zerlina, having been thrown to opposite sides of the alleyway, attempted to disentangle themselves from the piles of junk littering the alleyway (and, in Zerlina's case, untangled herself from the one of the two resident hobos of Port Royal).

"Should've hung out with Jim today," the hobo (Bob, by name) muttered angrily as he tried to rid himself of the massive curtain of Zerlina's blonde hair. Zerlina pulled her blonde locks from the hobo's face, and, in characteristic fit of rage, shoved poor Bob away from her person and into a pile of rotting roughage.

Suddenly, Stephie (who, though she had been very absorbed in clutching Aragorn's wrist, had doubled back to find Jack after she noticed he had been missing for several blocks)'s head, quickly followed by her body, popped into the alley.

"Jack, Jack, let me help you out of the pile of garbage!" Stephie yelled. She excitedly began to help Jack unearth himself, but was dismissively shoved aside as Jack leapt to his feet.

"Zerlina, my dearest love, are you all right!" he questioned, his voice fraught with concern.

"No, I'm not all right! You're going to take me back to Swann Manor RIGHT NOW!" she demanded. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Bob slowly pulling himself from the heap of grime. To vent her mounting frustration, the upset, muddy, grimy (but yet dazzlingly beautiful!) blonde reached over and forcibly shoved the poor hobo back into the mound of crap and started back toward the street. Bob, however, would have his revenge! Swiftly sticking his foot into the path of the young blonde woman, he succeeded in tripping the obnoxious Zerlina. But she managed to catch herself, and turned and gave the hobo nasty triumphant smile and proceeded on her way out of the alley. Now infuriated, the young hobo grabbed a handful of the muck he himself was submerged in and launched it at Zerlina's retreating head. The grime flew true and Zerlina lurched forward as it came into painful contact with the back of her skull.

* * *

By the time Jack, Zerlina, and Stephie finally surfaced from the depths of the alley, the Fellowship (and Cicada) had already gone on several blocks, not really caring (and in fact quite happy) that they had lost the three most annoying members of their group.

Aragorn had felt slightly compelled to retrieve the lost companions, but as he rubbed his sore wrist, he decided that Stephie, at least, would return on her own, and it really was no loss if Jack and Zerlina didn't come back with her. Anyway, Jack, Zerlina, and Stephie quickly caught back up to the rest of the group. A small tug-of-war erupted as Zerlina attempted to reclaim her bag of apples. She had discarded said bag when she abruptly threw Jack into the alley. The hobbits, accompanied by Cicada, had used this opportunity to seize the bag of apples and claim it as their own. They had been munching the apples contentedly when Zerlina unfortunately returned and tried to take back that which was her own. After a short battle over the apples, Zerlina gave in and threw up her hands in frustration. She stalked over to Jack and looped her arm violently in his. She then pulled Jack along to the front of the company, assuming the leadership of the group from Aragorn.

"Nice hat, Zerlina," Cicada mocked after her, referring to the bulk of trash of doom still lodged in Zerlina's golden locks.

"Shut up Cidao, you stupid boy," Zerlina spat. Cicada most certainly would have leapt on Zerlina and rent her limb from limb for calling her a boy – AGAIN – had she not been so preoccupied with the hobbits and their newly-won stash of apples. As it was, she simply shook and twitched, though it was so violent that Frodo was afraid she was having a seizure.

Zerlina, ignoring Cicada's alarming twitching, suddenly swung herself and Jack around one hundred eighty degrees, halting all forward progress.

"Our stroll is ended! We are now returning to the Swann Manor. Deal with it!" he voice leaving no room for question. The hobbits shrugged, still munching their apples, Aragorn and Gimli sighed with relief, Stephie glared, and Cicada merely continued to twitch.

They started back toward the Manor in relative silence, and the trip was wholly uneventful until Cicada met with a familiar sight. She stopped dead in her tracks, Stephie plowing into her.

"Hey look, Stephie! It's Bo'Sun!" she exclaimed.

"Yup. That's Bo'Sun alright," Stephie agreed, peering at the wanted poster.

"Just look at that Bo'Sun picture. It's all Bo'Sunny and such."

"Yeah, it's really Bo'Sun. In the flesh. Except on a poster."

"Yeah, Bo'Sun is pretty cool. All black and muscly, that Bo'Sun."

"Uhuh, and Bo'Sun has all that cool scar tissue patterns on him, Bo'Sun does."

"Yup. Bo'Sun is…"

Zerlina twitched as they continued to utter _that name_. She resisted the urge to yell "WHAT!" She considered cuffing the two idiots to make them stop, until Cicada got to the part about "black and muscly." She found herself involuntarily flexing at the words and looking at her pale skin with disgust.

"He's totally not like Anamaria, that Bo'Sun."

"Yeah, Bo'Sun is, like, hot and like, a dude," Cicada answered. She and Stephie could have kept going on like that for several more hours, but as it was, Aragorn and Gimli (respectively) grabbed the two cretins and hauled them the rest of the way to the Manor.

* * *

It was a large and weary group that finally dragged itself into the Swann Manor. They all were thoroughly exhausted by their "tour". Suddenly Boromir came racing to greet them, Will tramping down the steps after him. Boromir was as excited as they were exhausted. With a mad grin on his concussed (yet smexy) face, Boromir cried out, "Aragorn, Aragorn! I figured it out! I know how to get back to Mandos!" Aragorn, Gimli, Sam and Frodo all perked up at this news. Merry and Pippin looked mildly downcast (they had just gotten a whole bag of apples – they weren't ready to go back!), but still fairly interested. Boromir opened his mouth to tell the (mostly) eager Fellowship his glorious tidings. But then…the smile fell from his eager face. The joy that lit his eyes faded. His shoulders slumped. "I…I can't remember," he whispered, a defeat heavy on his voice. "My…my head…" He clutched at his head. His concussion had taken its toll and wiped Boromir's memory like a cloth again a chalkboard.

"Wait!" Will cried exultantly. "I know what he was going to say! It was –"

"Shut up Will, no one cares," Cicada snapped dismissively, and the group (including Boromir, still rubbing his head gingerly) filed past the dejected and ignored blacksmith.

* * *

(+) In all actuality, Will is physically incapable of prancing, Leprechaun-jumping, or even skipping. It all involved a sword-training lesson with Elizabeth gone horribly, horribly awry. Not much is known of the unfortunate accident, other than that Elizabeth's only job was to hold up a shield for Will. Further details have not be disclosed to the public.

* * *

Cicada: (chases Minion) You drugged me you little weasel!

Minion: (runs away) Please don't kill me!

Cicada: Death is too great a prize for you. You'll beg for death before the end! I'll make you wish you had never been created, you worm. You shall pray for death, but death **_will not come!_**

Minion: (cries and is carried off by robot slaves)

Cicada: (to audience) AND NO SEX FOR YOU!

Stephie: Um…Yes. She's crazy. (ducks a Cicada aims a flamethrower at her) Anyways, I just wanted to quick address the whole part with Aragorn and Arwen, and the part with Gimli. Aragorn's memory is from the books, and is in Appendix A: A Part of the Tale of Aragorn and Arwen. Oh, I'm not 100 sure of Arwen's eye color – I was kinda guessing there (I'm not going with the movie version, in case you couldn't tell). So if anyone thinks I'm wrong and knows her real eye color, please tell me!

The part of about Gimli and Legolas being able to visit each other, despite the fact that Legolas is not dead (hence him not being pulled through the portal into Port Royal, and same with Gandalf), is pure speculation. We assumed that since the Halls of Mandos is, in fact, a physical place in Valinor, people who lived in Valinor would be able to visit those in Mandos. If anyone knows differently, tell us. That would be great. Alright, one laaaast note. I promise. This story (the Middle Earth part, anyway) takes place about five months after Aragorn died. That's why Arwen was not in the Halls – from what I gather, she died about six months after Aragorn. I'm also assuming Gimli died within that five-month time frame, so he'd be in the Halls, too. OK, now I will stop blathering. I just wanted to make sure I explained everything. And, just in case I missed something, and something's messed up…blame it one the Sue Curse.


	10. Yay, Faramir!

**A/N**: Ah, here we have the last summer update of Curse of the Mary-Sue… Seems like summer went by so fast…Anyway, we thought we'd give the poor Fellowship (and Will, Elizabeth and Co.) a break for a while and torment everyone's favorite elf instead. (grins maniacally) Actually, wait… I don't think there's really any Legolas abuse, or really a whole lot of humor in this chapter…(sighs) But it had to be this way. Anyway, enjoy! (don't you worry, weirdness and all-around Fellowship and pirate mistreatment shall resume next chapter – we promise!)

**Disclaimer: **We don't own any of these wonderful people or places. Except Grimluck, the painfully stereotyped dwarf. Oh, how we love you, Grimluck!

**Chapter Ten: Yay, Faramir!**

Legolas Greenleaf was perturbed. He had been searching the Halls of Mandos for the Fellowship of the Ring (and more specifically, Gimli) for quite a while now. The walkers normally congregated in Hall #3017, along with such people as Eomer, Faramir, Imrahil, Eowyn, Lothiriel, Bilbo and some odd number of hobbits – the usual crew. But today (and yesterday, and many days before that) he had not found them in Hall #3017, or any other Hall. He was beginning to feel frustrated, and a tad concerned. He irritably left the Hall he had been searching -- #2569 – and proceeded into the next hall down, Hall #2571.

Apparently this Hall was being used for a party of sorts. There were a hundred or so men, and a handful of dwarves, all drinking deeply from mugs of ale. Sounds of laughter and back-slapping filled the room as war stories of all kinds were exchanged. Legolas carefully weaved through the crowd, trying to avoid getting splattered with ale as he passed. He scanned tops of heads as he went, looking for someone familiar. Gimli would be hard to pick out of the crowd, he decided, since he was so much shorter than the men, so Legolas tried to find the dark heads of either Aragorn or Faramir. But he quickly realized that would not work, as the group gathered here were all Gondorian, and ALL of them had dark hair. And he could see no bright heads of gold that might announce the presence of either Eomer or Eowyn. He was about to give the search of this Hall up for a lost cause, when he felt a hand on his arm.

"You looking for someone, laddy?"

For a moment Legolas thought he had finally found his best friend, and turned, hoping to see the aggravatingly smug face of Gimli looking up at him. Instead, staring blearily into his face was a half-drunk roseate-d dwarf that most certainly was not Gloin's son.

"Well, yes. I am," Legolas finally said, peering over the dwarf's head as he spoke. In his frustrated state, he felt like simply ignoring the dwarf and proceeding with his search. But he knew that would be exceedingly rude, and he didn't really need to add to the list of grievances that Dwarves harbored against the Elves. He sighed resignedly. _Perhaps this Dwarf may even be able to aid me in my search, _he added to himself, but his hopes were not high. "I'm searching for a group of about seven: two Gondorians, four Halflings, and a dwarf." Of course, if the Fellowship was around, there would be many more people with them than that, but since the seven walkers were really the "core" group, Legolas decided his much shortened list would suffice.

The Dwarf (who's name was Grimluck) considered for a moment, then answered, "No I don't think I have seen them." _Of course not, _Legolas thought, feeling even more irritated. "But have you seen my ring?" the dwarf added. "I must have dropped it somewhere…" Grimluck trailed off and took a swig from his (literally) bottomless tankard of ale he held.

"No, I'm sorry, I haven't," Legolas answered distractedly. "Well, I really must be going." Rude or not, Legolas decided he was ready to finish the conversation and continue on with his search. He gave the dwarf a quick nod goodbye, waited until he received a farewell grunt in return, and began to hastily depart from the ale-smelling room. He doubted the dwarf was sober enough to notice that he had received a small snub. Legolas glanced over his shoulder one last time as he exited the Hall, and sure enough, Grimluck looked more concerned with searching the floor for his lost ring (and stumbling about drunkenly as he did so) than he did about unkind elves. _Good. Mayhap he will not remember talking to me at all. _Legolas turned his head forward just in time to stop himself from running into a dark-haired man who was just entering the room.

"Faramir?" Legolas asked incredulously. Had he finally found his query? But no, none of the others followed the ex-Prince of Ithilien…

"Legolas! What are you doing here?"

"Searching for the Fellowship. Have you seen any of them?"

Faramir shook his head. "No, I haven't seen Gimli," he answered the unspoken but obvious question. "Nor Aragorn, Pippin, or any of the other walkers. Eowyn, some of the others and I have finally started a search through the Halls." Legolas felt slightly miffed that they had not tried to find him to inform him of this "search", but didn't feel in any mood to discuss it. And knowing Faramir, there probably were several good reasons behind it, which he would ask for after they had found Gimli, Aragorn and the rest. _If we find them, _a cynical little voice in his head said.

"How long have you been searching?"

"Oh…a few years. We would have told you and asked you come to aid us, but we could not find you. We looked in Hall 3017 for you every day for a few years, but you didn't come. Perhaps you were visiting your siblings for a while? Anyway, we finally gave up checking 3017 and hoped we would find you when we found the others." Legolas considered for a moment. Yes, he had visited his brothers and sisters not too long ago…hadn't he? _Time is so difficult to track here..._ In any case, he had his answer and felt slightly less agitated. He shook himself from his thoughts.

"Have you checked the shore? Aragorn goes there sometimes to see if Arwen might come that way. And mayhap the other went with him?" He knew that the idea of the others following Aragorn was a stupid idea the moment he said it. It was pretty much understood among the Fellowship that Aragorn needed to be alone for such moments.

"Yes, Lord Imrahil checked that a few months ago, I believe. Nothing. Except that I believe Lord Erestor of Rivendell has arrived," he added.

"He has? Where is he now?"

"With Lord Elrond, if I am not mistaken."

"But Aragorn and the rest were not there to greet him?"

"No."

Legolas frowned as he processed this new information. Aragorn would not have missed the arrival of the elven lord if he could help it. He sighed and turned to Faramir.

"Which Halls were you searching?"

"2501 through 3000. Each of us took about 500 Halls to search. When we finish, we plan to meet again at Hall 3017."

Legolas nodded. "Which Halls are not being searched?"

"I believe no one has searched past 10,000 or looked in any of the newer Halls."

"Then I shall search them and then meet you at 3017. Farewell!"

"Farewell."


End file.
